Pterodactyl on Tinder

"They want lumbersexuals. What the fuck is up with that? Are we going back to the Dark Ages? Peter the Great force-shaved half his population to fling Russia into the modern era, and you have these fucks setting us back 400 years."

Exhibit A:

 Exhibit B:

Cat

Tull:

Hold on. You got a cat?

HFA2:

Yeah, about a month ago, mostly because I wanted an animal and didn’t particularly like the idea of walking around downtown picking up a dog’s shit twice a day.

There’s a photo on my Facebook

Tull:

Guinea pigs rock

HFA2:

But I believe I know what you are thinking: have I exposed it to Timati and trance yet? The answer, obviously, is of course and as often as possible. I once took it to Austin and back, blasting trance all three hours of the drive. When I stopped at Waco to get a few shits midway, I tied a rope around its neck and let it go shit on a leash like a dog - the cat didn’t even mind.

Guinea pigs are definitely the shit

Tull:

You must introduce me to this feline. I think we will get along quite well

HFA2:

When Nebraska came to visit, the cat stalked her like prey, then eventually attacked her hair. It took half a minute to separate the two.

Basically the cat makes being at home a hell of a lot more interesting

Tull:

It's a good thing I have no hair

HFA2:

Exactly. You two will get along

I went fishing this past weekend and I’ve seen people take their dogs to the lake. So fuck it, I took my cat. It nearly drowned trying to kill a frog and then shat the equivalent of its own body weight after I gave it some raw bass. That was a great day.

Today I am leaving work early to go to a boxing match where Misha, one of the Tavern bartenders, will proceed to beat this shit out of some grade school teacher. It’s for charity.

Maybe I should take the cat.

Labor Day

Last Labor Day was the first I'd spent outside of NY. I think I went to Rainbow Room and met Ron Jeremy that weekend.

I've been considering not repeating the experience.

Tull's Gun

Last night I dreamt that I had a gun. My father took a very Meg looking puppy and slammed a wooden plank on top of her. She looked like a black, shaggy, canine Jesus. Then he tied a few balloons to the plank and let her fly. I kept yelling at him that she might not make it, being so high up, as she started to descend on the other end of the city. My father sprinted towards her projected landing spot while I kept shooting at him. It was a nice gun. 

Homeless HFA Story

So as I was standing on Lex waiting for my light this morning, hungover as fuck, monkey man rammed into me head first. As pedestrians around me moved aside, he pulled out a giant red envelope yelling, "Here look at this look!" So I tell him, "Dude I'm late to work." He stands there for a second then says: "HFA... you work?"

Greener Grass

From iMessage -

HFA: The grass is always greener.

HFA2: That's fucking true.

HFA2: Look at me - I'm in Dallas.

HFA: Which actually isn't such a terrible place. We do have a few inbreds working technology there for GEM. Partially I am doing GEM now because they are inbreds. If I moved I would have access to a pool, 1.3k of additional shit money and two less Zorans.

HFA: Also one less Furnace, one less Monkey Man, one less wife and a shitton less problems.

HFA Music Class

Actually at some point during my college career I was taking a music class. During the first class we had to introduce ourselves. Conveniently I had a shot glass on me, probably because I stole it from that Korean place that sold soju without checking ids, so I proudly announced "hi, my name is HFA and I'm an alcoholic" and slammed my glass on the desk.