Climbing the Ladder

D: "I'm not very good with waterfall charts..."
R: "That's why you're not a MD."
D: "Oh really? Is that the secret to getting up there?"
R: "One of the secrets. I'll write a book one day. If you want to get demoted - pie charts."

5 years

"I have been drunk for the past five years. Another day won't kill me" - Tull

CFO Files: Baby

On making executive decisions: "Let's not shoot the baby."

Nightmares: Apocalypse Edition

I had a nightmare today. In my dream somebody spread the rumor that the world shall be ending at 9:30am on the dot. Me and a hundred other people gathered around a small bus station in the middle of nowhere. When nothing happened at 9:30 I shrugged it off and went inside of a deserted shop. Inside I witness Zoran slouched over the counter and he says "you know I think she is right. That fly can kill millions if not billions". I turn to see nuclear scientist with a small vial containing a fly. At this point a downpour erupts outside. I run out to see people laughing and pointing at a guy with a professional looking video camera recording the area. Somebody yells "see it is all staged! That guy is making a movie! No end of the world" just like that the rain stops, and it starts snowing like hell. I run back inside of the store just as the snow stops and millions of small pebbles start shooting out of the sky and immediately cover the ground. Inside the store I see shards of the vial on the ground and some guy slapping his neck as if to kill a mosquito..

Oh and the nightmare part - nobody in the dream had a goddamn lighter.

Found: Crumpled Letterhead

Rummaging through a drawer I came upon an extensively crumpled sheet of paper containing the following legible excerpts:

1. She was babbling too much so I focused only on important words like "truck" and "food."
   
2. I was walking the Poodle to meet Bunny and Neanderthal.
   
3. That sounds like a lot of people are engaging in bestiality.
   
4. Maybe Poodle is correct. One day I might just lose it and take natural selection into my own hands.
   
5. Call me back ASAP dude. Me and Bunny are planning to go up the hatch. And we need another idiot.
   
6. Too many gay barbacks here.
   
7. Thank god god invented goddamn alcohol.
   
8. The best birthday present would be putting her out of her misery.
   
9. Scratch is either already drunk or still drunk.

Client Meeting

MD#1

You ready for that meeting with [client] at 3?

MD#2

(looks up at the clock)

GOD I've gotta start drinking NOW

(starts quickly walking to the elevators)

Thanks, Assholes

"Your salary is not even enough to pay my salary." - Scratch

"Your salary is not enough to pay my rent." - Phil

Recently, in context:

Tull, while at...

his parents': Sobering up was devastating.

the bar: Hurry the fuck up before I get married to more people.

work: You know that we are probably going to get shitfaced tonight and decide to shave 512 sheep inside of a turbine of a 747 that is being flown on autopilot to North Korea. Why on autopilot you might ask? Well, because we stole it and are too busy shaving goddamn sheep.

home: Our mission in life is to turn the other 6 billion perfectly normal individuals into shit slamming retards that occasionally raid home depot and go slam shits wearing creative attire.

Zoran, when asked about...

himself: I'm an enigma wrapped in a puzzle.

women: Chickens! They are all chickens!

nothing: Now. Your lips. Let us talk some more about your lips.