December 31, 2011
Good Question
That is a good question that I am unable to answer right. Some other good ones are: who was the brunette that claimed to know me and came to rebel, why did Rene offer to swap girlfriends with me, and how did my face materialize between Sarahs boobs.
December 30, 2011
(projected) Conversations...with non-HFA
(The following takes place over instant messaging software at 6:45am on the last Friday of 2011.)
Non-HFA: hiiiiiii!!!
Non-HFA: happy friday!!!
Non-HFA: so excited
Non-HFA: about to eat a potato cookie!
HFA: hiya, morning, TGIF
Non-HFA: you never texted me last night d1ck
HFA: Dearest non-HFA, while I am most assuredly here for the sole purpose of entertaining you and boosting your self-esteem, last night I might have decided that you are an emotional terrorist.
Non-HFA: hahhahhaaahaa
Non-HFA: d1ck
HFA: Let me elaborate further on this point. When a fine individual like myself leaves work three hours before you, consumes a fair amount of alcohol at an upscale drinking establishment, then informs you that despite you making plans to hang out on that night - the plans that you have most obviously totally forgotten about, he will not be able to honor them since he has only had a few winks of sleep that night, your response should not be "cant you wiat 30 mins? hug, smoke." Furthermore, when a fine individual like myself waits for half an hour, shoving Red Bulls down his throat simply to stay awake, meets you, provides a hug, a cigarette and walks with you to the subway station, with the sole intention of going home, your offer should not be "I know you are going to whiskey bar, so just take the subway with me." Further to that, when a fine individual like myself, half-frozen to death, in a jacket that is clearly not meant to be worn when it is below 32 degrees outside and the winds move trashcans, texts you "I was cold before, but seeing you always warms my heart" your reply should not be "so cold cnt find this palce" That behavior, my dearest, is what I call emotional terrorism.
Non-HFA: hiiiiiii!!!
Non-HFA: happy friday!!!
Non-HFA: so excited
Non-HFA: about to eat a potato cookie!
HFA: hiya, morning, TGIF
Non-HFA: you never texted me last night d1ck
HFA: Dearest non-HFA, while I am most assuredly here for the sole purpose of entertaining you and boosting your self-esteem, last night I might have decided that you are an emotional terrorist.
Non-HFA: hahhahhaaahaa
Non-HFA: d1ck
HFA: Let me elaborate further on this point. When a fine individual like myself leaves work three hours before you, consumes a fair amount of alcohol at an upscale drinking establishment, then informs you that despite you making plans to hang out on that night - the plans that you have most obviously totally forgotten about, he will not be able to honor them since he has only had a few winks of sleep that night, your response should not be "cant you wiat 30 mins? hug, smoke." Furthermore, when a fine individual like myself waits for half an hour, shoving Red Bulls down his throat simply to stay awake, meets you, provides a hug, a cigarette and walks with you to the subway station, with the sole intention of going home, your offer should not be "I know you are going to whiskey bar, so just take the subway with me." Further to that, when a fine individual like myself, half-frozen to death, in a jacket that is clearly not meant to be worn when it is below 32 degrees outside and the winds move trashcans, texts you "I was cold before, but seeing you always warms my heart" your reply should not be "so cold cnt find this palce" That behavior, my dearest, is what I call emotional terrorism.
(projected) Conversations...with HFA
(The following takes place over a couple of drinks of Tanqueray and grapefruit juices at 2:32 pm on the last Friday of 2011. Jim is bartending.)
HFA1 (to HFA2): Why, you look preposterously fine today, sir. That woolen coat befits you quite well. I have only now realized the fallacy of my actions. You see Anya is working here tonight and since she is Tanya's roommate, having the Colombian join us and kiss me passionately at this upscale drinking establishment might diminish the chances of me having sexual intercourse with Tanya. I do, however, have a strategic plan that quite possibly will alleviate this problem. Enter you, sir - my friend. Fresh out of a two year relationship that you thought would lead to marriage, children, a dog, and a house with a white-picketed fence, but instead led to a harrowing break-up, you have come to New York to collect your thoughts and recover emotionally. On the outside you may seem like a perfectly normal individual - fun, smiling, sociable and alert. On the inside you an emotional wreck, depressed, sleep-deprived, with no appetite for food and a proclivity to cut yourself occasionally. Colombian, while I most certainly adore you and would, at one point, want to tie the knot, tonight I ask that we act simply as friends. Kissing me or grabbing my genitalia would most definitely send my friend over the edge, and I do not want to find him in the restroom, slouched in a stall, in a pool of blood and steak knife deep in his face. I have come up with a list of items that you may, at your discretion, exercise: giving me a hug that lasts less than three seconds, giving me a peck on the cheek, briefly rubbing my shoulder blades in a gesture of friendly affection and comfort (I will provide a stool for you to hop on in case you cannot reach), bowing to me, shining my shoes, and lighting my cigarettes. On behalf of my friend and myself, I thank you for understanding and support. Yours truly, HFA1.
HFA2 (to Jim): Two shots of Johnnie Black, please.
Jim (placing the shots gingerly): On the house.
HFA1 (to HFA2): Why, you look preposterously fine today, sir. That woolen coat befits you quite well. I have only now realized the fallacy of my actions. You see Anya is working here tonight and since she is Tanya's roommate, having the Colombian join us and kiss me passionately at this upscale drinking establishment might diminish the chances of me having sexual intercourse with Tanya. I do, however, have a strategic plan that quite possibly will alleviate this problem. Enter you, sir - my friend. Fresh out of a two year relationship that you thought would lead to marriage, children, a dog, and a house with a white-picketed fence, but instead led to a harrowing break-up, you have come to New York to collect your thoughts and recover emotionally. On the outside you may seem like a perfectly normal individual - fun, smiling, sociable and alert. On the inside you an emotional wreck, depressed, sleep-deprived, with no appetite for food and a proclivity to cut yourself occasionally. Colombian, while I most certainly adore you and would, at one point, want to tie the knot, tonight I ask that we act simply as friends. Kissing me or grabbing my genitalia would most definitely send my friend over the edge, and I do not want to find him in the restroom, slouched in a stall, in a pool of blood and steak knife deep in his face. I have come up with a list of items that you may, at your discretion, exercise: giving me a hug that lasts less than three seconds, giving me a peck on the cheek, briefly rubbing my shoulder blades in a gesture of friendly affection and comfort (I will provide a stool for you to hop on in case you cannot reach), bowing to me, shining my shoes, and lighting my cigarettes. On behalf of my friend and myself, I thank you for understanding and support. Yours truly, HFA1.
HFA2 (to Jim): Two shots of Johnnie Black, please.
Jim (placing the shots gingerly): On the house.
December 29, 2011
Snippets, from a trip to the big city
Get ready. We aren't making it to 2012.
A true HFA will never die sober.
I hope you left your glock at home.
Once I texted "where you at bitch" to my dad.
She is probably overdue for a harakiri.
A true HFA will never die sober.
I hope you left your glock at home.
Once I texted "where you at bitch" to my dad.
She is probably overdue for a harakiri.
December 28, 2011
V's Story 2
"so basically V went for lunch at 11 last thursday, came back at 2, his manager is asking him - where you been dude. his reponse - YOU DONT ASK ME WHERE I BEEN YOU FUCK. naturally, he got canned."
Bathtub Perplexion
Tull:
"sir, your text at 0:35 chicago time read "dude i am fucking perplexed as shot you will need to ask me why later because i will forget to tell you" putting the lack of punctuation aside, what is it?
my first thought was that you finally decided to sleep in your bathtub and was perplexed as to how to fit yourself in that fucking 4feet long space "
December 8, 2011
Laundry Day
courtesy of Professor Tull
im sitting there pounding gin/grapefruits (from now on - yellow shits), this chick comes up to me with a "hey, im doing scavenger hunt and i need to get a cigarette from a stranger" so i give her a cigarette, and she returns back with a blonde blue eyed (but not that pretty girl) which she introduces to me as "hey, this is maria, her husband is downstairs" then she heads off to steal a business card off of someone, and me and maria chat for a bit, pound a few shots, thumb wrestle, turns out she lives like 3 blocks away from me. anyway she goes back downstairs, katya brings us a round of shots on the house, so i haul maria back up, we talk some more, she gives me a hug and goes back downstairs, and THEN the realization hits me again
i needed to do my laundry
and you know what, sir? i succeeded
and in case you are wondering the point of the story was to prove that sometimes i actually do do it
im sitting there pounding gin/grapefruits (from now on - yellow shits), this chick comes up to me with a "hey, im doing scavenger hunt and i need to get a cigarette from a stranger" so i give her a cigarette, and she returns back with a blonde blue eyed (but not that pretty girl) which she introduces to me as "hey, this is maria, her husband is downstairs" then she heads off to steal a business card off of someone, and me and maria chat for a bit, pound a few shots, thumb wrestle, turns out she lives like 3 blocks away from me. anyway she goes back downstairs, katya brings us a round of shots on the house, so i haul maria back up, we talk some more, she gives me a hug and goes back downstairs, and THEN the realization hits me again
i needed to do my laundry
and you know what, sir? i succeeded
and in case you are wondering the point of the story was to prove that sometimes i actually do do it
December 2, 2011
English Lesson
Tull:
actually it might make sense in this situation depending on the context
so for example, if they are going drinking with you, touche would be completely appropriate
because most likely they will end up in a ditch with a poolstick in their ass
actually it might make sense in this situation depending on the context
so for example, if they are going drinking with you, touche would be completely appropriate
because most likely they will end up in a ditch with a poolstick in their ass
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