One of Us

"I'm becoming one of you guys - an alcoholic who plays pool all day! And look - I have a big cup!" - Dibs, brandishing a pint of tequila with ginger ale

Things I Would Take With Me If I Quit Work

This is an exhaustive inventory of the things that I would take with me if I were to "clear out my desk". All of these items currently reside either on my desk or in my file cabinet.

Tiki god
Creepy clown
Red sunglasses
Plastic BA airplane
Nail clipper
Nat Shermans cigar
Vitamins
Electric razor
Nail clipper
Hair wax
Cologne
Books (2)
Old black leather bag
Blue carabiner
Industrial combo lock
Pliers
Oversized umbrella
Mechanical keyboard
Sriracha
Kettle of Fish matches
"Reserved" sign

Thankfully all of the above (save for the plastic airplane and oversized umbrella) would fit in the old black bag. The airplane was a gift from a flamboyant coworker, and the umbrella - $4.97 at Home Depot. Easy come, easy go.

Victoria's Story

А вчера бар тендер забыла налить триплсек в Маргариту. Я ей говорю добавь триплсек. Она такая че? Я ей говорю опять добавь триплсек. Она такая - трайплсек? Я такая - да пизды нахуй добавь в Маргариту блять.

One Day of Texts

Next time a cabbie asks me how to get to Manhattan we are going to have one less cabbie in this city

I was buying vitamins just now and the cashier (old Indian guy) goes - you exercise much? You are in a very good shape. I wanted to tell him that a drink close to a liter of vodka a day but changed my mind

I might have to wear my pink socks

I hung up and texted her a "As a мужык I made an executive decision to to exercise my мужык right and hang up on you."

Someone just decided to mark spreads at 800k across the swap curve. So basically our PnL is -700 trillion. I think we have destroyed the global economy. 

Pterodactyl Text Message, Early April

Ok so I didn't want watch cause Iwas at workbabdb I'm nkt gonna wwtch now but am responding WATCHU KNOW

Texts Received in the Past 48 Hours

I have informed my parents of our Georgia trip. My father said, "ну дегенераты..."* then he called me a "долбоёб"**. I strongly suspect he is just jealous it will not be him wearing red glasses, blasting Timati and burning bibles at a cemetary.

* "you degenerates..." 

** "goddamn retard"

***

Oh dude. Want to buy some mannequins? I know a girl in New Jersey who is selling like an entire warehouse. We can just dump them at Fu. I also have some paskha if you are hungry.

***

Okay so I just looked this up - there are at least four states in which it is illegal to impersonate a member of the clergy. One of them is NY. Thankfully charges may only be pressed if we make money by doing so.

I know what you are getting at. I wonder how much we can make.

So two priests walk into a bar in an airport. Priest 1 orders a glass of ginger ale over ice, gets served, drinks three quarters and then suddenly yells, "Oh Jesus fucking Christ, give me that goddamn bottle of Stoli."

We can read our bibles loudly over ginger ales and then turn into complete retards and start slamming shits and bibles uncontrollably while chanting some Satanic verses. We just need to time this accordingly so we don't get arrested for being lunatics.

***

It will be just like when we barged into a bar 30 minutes before close and I ordered 5 drinks then turned to Steve and said, "...and what do you want."

Ah, the horror on the face of the barmaid! I had to reassure her that we will slam our respective drinks in time for the close.

Sparring

"I tried to spar MM but he just punched me in the face twice and now my arm hurts." - Tull

-

Cleaning my desk drawers today, I've found:

• Set of large pliers from Fu
• Industrial lock from Dallas
• 15 dollars in quarters
• Macanudo cigar
• Two e-cigarettes
• Happy hour business card collection from people I do not recall
• Sriracha hot sauce
• Rebel matches
• Blade of a knife (no handle)

Flight 139

In response to the Braathens SAFE Flight 139 Hijacking...

I think this might be an interesting challenge. Smuggle a few pitchers, threaten people with crowbars and demand to speak to Timati.

Heard at the Bar #5

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Heard at the Bar #4

"I need to make sure that Disaster gets divorced so I can fuck her again."

---

"Oh look, it's Phil!...no, no, wait, that is just a stool. They all look the same."

---

"I really want to punch this girl but I need her to punch me first so that I can say it was self-defense."

Global Town Hall

This phrase, in a German accent spoken by a female executive, made the 7am meeting worth it:

"...so in conclusion, we are screwed. So screwed. Or at least partially screwed."

Peanuts

When you're very little (like 5) you watch Peanuts (Charlie Brown) cartoons and it's a little bewildering. There are lots of kids who are all virtually identical except for having different haircuts and t-shirts. They all talk as though they're adults to the point where there is no need for adults in the cartoon. So, the main story is just not accessible to little kids. 

Luckily, there's Snoopy. He doesn't say anything, he just does what he feels. When things get dull, he escapes into a world of fantasy (Red Baron, Joe Cool). Little kids can relate to the bewildered, fantasy-addled Snoopy. In fact, they love him. You've never seen a plush Charlie Brown but you could choke the grand canyon with soft cute Snoopy dolls. 

We spend years watching Snoopy's hijinks while the Peanuts characters are just background noise. But sooner or later, you start thinking about what Charlie Brown is really all about, the sheer sad disappointment of life. Unrequited love, perpetual failure, cruel statements, competing circles of friends are all the substantive material for this "children's" show. Charlie Brown and the gang become a cartoon boot camp for kids about to enter the real world or junior high (whichever comes first).

I have to extend a hearty thanks to Charles Schultz for this shell game that traded the whimsical for the existential. It allowed me, when life dealt me it's first cruel blows that my parents couldn't fix, to find the right words: "Good Grief!"

- Russ and Mike of barelylegalblog.blogspot.com

Post-Trinity

"It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so." - Robert Oppenheimer

Made-to-Measure

At My.Suit NYC, friendly metrosexual tailors offer a personable groping and measuring service with a healthy smattering of questions administered whilst pointing at conservative cartoons of soulless well groomed males. A week later, you are graced with newly minted garments.

HFA Hector Shits, Poodle, and PCL Steve step inside where they are greeted by SAM* Tailor.

SAM: "...and sir, when would you like to make an appointment?"
HFA: "I don't give a fuck!"
(SAM suggests 11am Monday)
HFA: "No, this is when I typically go to the bar."
PCL: "Could we check out your ties?"
SAM: "Our ties are all really shitty."
HFA: "Smoke?"

*Disambiguation: SAM = small Asian man

The Thursday Realization

I realized how much of a retard I was just now as I was slamming oversized shits fu trying to figure out if should continue slamming them here for basically free or go to trader and slam shits for basically free there or go to rebel and slam shits there for basically free all while I was thinking how cool it would be if you, mami and I wore pink shirts while taking a helicopter to saint tropez and tagged timati in a Facebook post that said "in a chopper, blasting timati. Welcome to saint tropez" while subconsciously understanding that people of my age worry about wifes and kids and mortgages and other useless shit.

-Tull

Hi Kidd. Thanks for the Tuesday morning dubstep.

In the Guardian newspaper February 24, 2006, Karl Hyde said: "We used to go out drinking in Soho and I ended up in the Ship on Wardour Street. All the lyrics were written on that night. A drunk sees the world in fragments and I wanted to recreate that. I was inspired by Lou Reed's New York album and Sam Shepard's Motel Chronicles. I was into flash photography as well, so I was walking around Soho with a notebook and camera, just observing things. In those days I'd open the book whenever a musical idea inspired me. Rick [Smith] came up with a rhythm and I started singing over it. The vocals were done in one take. When I lost my place, I'd repeat the same line; that's why it goes, 'lager, lager, lager, lager.' The first time we played it live, people raised their lager cans and I was horrified because I was still deep into alcoholism. It was never meant to be a drinking anthem; it was a cry for help. Now I don't mind. Why Born Slippy? It was a greyhound we won money on."

But ignore all that. Here! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SezoGW_z9w0

...and here

And the rest of this place is for your perusing entertainment.

Other People Having Experiences Incorrectly

Nova Goes to the Museum

"Actually I rode on a tank in CT at a military museum. It was badass. Some veteran working there basically chugged a Bud Light, chucked the can then asked if I wanted to go for a ride on a working tank.

He then proceeded to slam on the gas and I was holding onto the outside of the tank for dear life as he sped across the museum property at 25 mph."

-Nova

Paul Graham

"When people are bad at math, they know it, because they get the wrong answers on tests. But when people are bad at open-mindedness they don't know it. In fact they tend to think the opposite. Remember, it's the nature of fashion to be invisible. It wouldn't work otherwise. Fashion doesn't seem like fashion to someone in the grip of it. It just seems like the right thing to do. It's only by looking from a distance that we see oscillations in people's idea of the right thing to do, and can identify them as fashions."

- Paul Graham

Hat Season

-Dude how's my hair?

-Fix it! Fix it immediately, you look like a fucking Hitler!