December 17, 2018

Excessive Force

The man responsible for running “The Hangovers” is now a Mazzy’s bartender named Moe.

http://www.newrochelletalk.com/node/1536

AKA John Pastore. He told me a story about making the “naughty list” for driving through a bar when he worked as a cop.

http://www.newrochelletalk.com/content/new-rochelle-naughty-list-allegations-indictments-arrests-convictions-and-terminations-new-r

Here’s the tale:

“They threw me out! And you know me, I wouldn’t take no for an answer - it was last call for fuck’s sake! I went to the back of my car, opened the trunk, got out my hockey helmet, and put it on. I thought ahead. Then I drove straight through the bar. The only thing that stopped me from driving out the back was the pool table. I hit it and I got wedged in by the goddamn pool table! Three months later, after they remodeled with my insurance money, I walked into the bar and asked if they got new chairs or something. Bartender told me some guy drove straight through the bar, got out, went behind the bar, and made himself a drink. I didn’t steal any booze so I yelled, ‘No I didn’t!’ Anyway long story short I’m not allowed at Carly’s Bar anymore.”

September 18, 2018

Pub Happenings

Richard comes up to tori and orders a cranberry and water. Immediately me and Brian, the construction worker who gave cigarettes, yell “pussy!” The Mexican on my left yells “would you like a tampon?!”  And the Australian chick on my right throws.. a tampon at him.

**

Romeo: “Moe is the 6 million dollar man - he drinks!..BIONICALLY.”

**

Virg to Customer: "...so what you're telling me is you're black...and you're a black Jew...a black Navy Jew who drinks like a fish and watches football. That'll be 10 shekels please."

**

Fiddler...

Guy1: I haven’t seen Jimmy in a while
Guy2: oh yeah he’s dead
...
Guy2: nice mustache buddy
Guy3: I’m a fuckin Marine!

**

Hairy Chihuahua Lady: Trump is great - he’s the only man on the planet to have a prostitute pay him back.

**

Virg: “If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen!... My whole life - didn’t happen!”

**

Mazz...

Woman: oh my god is this a rubik’s cube!? Can I solve it? Oh my god...I...I need to see what it looked like in its original state, then I can solve it!

Bartender: it’s a fucking square, dude.

**

“My dad once got shot in Chicago. Someone pulled a gun on him and he said, ‘That’s a really gay knife.’” - Paddy the Illegal Irishman

**

[The Lion Sleeps Tonight comes on the speakers]

Bob: I put this on to make Richard to feel more at home.

African Richard: (growls, leaves)

Bob: He’s probably hunting lions downstairs right now.

**

Mazz...

Carl: This place...it’s worse than a Nazi concentration camp. I always thought hell was in the afterlife before I started working here. I tell you what - I’m glad I don’t own a gun. I’d kill those two [playing darts] then kill myself....Also tell Kenzi I said thank you for the cucumbers.

July 26, 2018

Office in the Sticks

Crazy K: I can’t imagine not being able to drink for nine months. Or even one week. I don’t know what I’d do.

Pregnant L: my husband is so worried, he won’t even let me have an O’Doul’s.

Crazy K: he sounds controlling. You should leave him.

Unfirm Action - HFA

Listening to black people explain how using chopsticks is a way for Asian people to demean them is the best way to spend your afternoon. 

Virginia at MS - HFA

Last night I tried to explain to Richard and Farrah's brother what Virginia is like. I oversimplified it and said, “It’s either tourists, or old people, or everyone’s black.” Farrah’s brother nodded and went to play pool. Richard pointed at him walking away and said, “What a fucking retard.”

July 5, 2018

Can you feel the silence? - by HFA

Day 0

I take a sip of my drink and watch a video on Facebook. It’s a girl holding a blanket in front of her dog. The girl is fully behind it, then as she drops it she quickly disappears behind the door and as the blanket hits the floor the husky whimpers. I know what’s going through it’s head. It basically goes like this: “the fuck is my food, you stupid cunt?”

Raul taps me on the shoulder and disappears into an intolerably long discussion of probabilities of Mexico making into the next round. I nod. I smile. I sip. 

It’s Tori, Richard, Bob is half napping on a stool, Raul, Patrick, some other dude and me. And clearly Jay, in his flamboyantly Jamaican shirt, is rapping into his fist. None of us saw it coming. A flash. Then it sounded like thunder. And a second or two later day turned into night. I looked outside and it looked like we were drowning in oversized moths. Except they were not moths. It was just ash, everywhere, sticking to the windows, and if you could see through it - sticking to cars, poles, buildings, pavement. It was everywhere. 

I thought I was cool so I walked over to Bob and slugged him in the chin. He protested at first so I did it again. Then I lifted the divider and went behind the bar. Both Tori and Richard protested as well, so I stepped out and punched Bob again. Then I went back in and rummaged through the glasses and ice until I found a pitcher, and then I rummaged some more and got another pitcher. I opened the faucet and shoved the pitcher underneath it. Bob started showing signs of life so while the pitcher was filling up I went and I punched him again. 

I swapped pitchers and swiped a few bottles of liquor of the shelves. Raul was finally able to close his mouth so I gave him a pitcher and some bottles and lit up a cigarette. Outside was looking ashier and ashier. The guy that no one knew yelped “I gotta go”. He opened the door, the ash poured in and I almost choked, but he bravely stepped out and made it about 7 feet before he coughed himself to death. His body is still there and I pat him on the back for his efforts. 

Day 1

Richard is the first one to lose it. We have been in the basement for a bit less than 24 hours. We have water but no food. Plenty of alcohol. Jay is smoking weed nonstop, at this point I wonder if he actually understands what life is. I do. Richard starts kicking the trash cans and yelling something. Jay tries to console him but it goes sideways, they get into a fist fight. They both knock each other out and I just make sure that the bucket of water I hid is safe. 

Day 3

Bob cannot stop moaning and the vote is that we throw him out. He makes everyone else uncomfortable. Richard is hopping around - I suspect he smoked the rest of Jays stash. Jay is not doing that great. The lower left portion of his face is gone and he just keeps lying on the floor and gasping for air. 

Day 4

Jay is not moving. His face is no longer there. It resembles a giant plate of uncooked meat with a bunch of skin on the side. Tori is crying uncontrollably. The water has been exhausted, I was able to squirrel an empty pitcher away. It’s no longer empty, I have been pissing into it. When push comes to shove you do whatever you can to survive. I have never been so hungry in my life. 

Thank god for cigarettes. I sneak away to the area by elevators and light one up. I listen. We are way below the ground but I can hear the air blowing outside, spreading ash, spreading despair, spreading inevitability. I take a drag and check my phone. 2 percent, no calls, no messages, I wonder if my parents are alive, I wonder if their cat is alive, then I light up another cigarette. Two left. No messages. 

Day 5

Tori never woke up. Richard is asleep next to Jay. Jay is mostly gone by now. No water left. I started drinking my own urine, things could have been better. Two cigarettes left, 1% left on phone. One bottle of vodka left. This will be my final entry. If you are reading this - cherish your life, it could have been worse, much worse.

100%

It is a time to shine. I use all the force in my leg to get the door swinging. It opens up and for a change I feel fresh air enveloping me. It feels.. exhilarating, it feels like I was born anew. It feels fresh. I light up, I walk 20 feet to the right and smash the door in. It’s the corner store guy and he’s behind the register, greenish or blueish - it’s hard to tell. I get a pack of cigarettes and put them in my pocket. Something does not feel right.

I am probably the last person alive in Manhattan and if I had a dog I could pretend to be will Smith in his “I am legend” movie. Except this isn’t a movie. I light up again and cough uncontrollably. When I am done, my palm, the one I was coughing into, is red and moist. 

I walk along second avenue, a smoke in my right hand and a bottle in my left. I stumble a bit, but I can still do it. One more stumble and I can’t get up again. I chug out of the bottle and inhale to the fullest. It starts raining, but rains with ash this time. 


I get up and I feel.. incredibly light. I am so light I could just jump up and scale any building. It’s incredibly silent, no cars, not people, nothing. Is it possible to be so quiet, so empty? The ash is still here but I no longer mind it. I can breathe it in and not feel anything. I. Don’t. Feel. Anything.

July 1, 2018

HFA Brings the Folks

HFA to the bartender : “Later I’m gonna come with some older people. Please serve me and them normal drinks. Which means don’t pour 4 shots in our drinks just one. I don’t want to carry my parents home or make them think I’m an alcoholic.”

May 16, 2018

Overheard at MS - by HFA

“I’m from upstate, so I just drove down for a couple of beers (the dude is slamming bud lights), then I go to Newark, and tomorrow I go to JFK, and on Friday I’m going to jail.”

April 27, 2018

Raul Night - by HFA


The skinhead points at my crotch and says something. I can’t be bothered to listen. Shit - where is my lighter? It’s okay, the skinhead always has one. 

I borrow a lighter, light my cigarette and put the lighter in my pocket. Perhaps I should zip up? Yes, that would make some sense, so I don’t . God damn it, where are the peanuts? Oh shit, did I feed the fish? The fish will be okay. Barcelona won PORCARA TIME TO PLAY POOL. Let me zip up first. 

Gosh darn it - are we there yet? Ha! A Russian place and everyone is Russian. Ha! Why are there so many Russians? Is it Andrev? Is it Set? Why do they look like they are white? Shit - did I forget to zip up again? Hey, you! Yes! You! Let me dip you and see if you have my lighter. Gosh darn it that was way too many shots so I feel LETS GO RED BULLLS PORCARA tired - wanna go to my place? No? It’s okay, you are still going. 

“Driver? Patrick’s place, please, because after all - I have to feed Nora, the turtle”

“Actually VAMOS I take it back - let’s all go to my place!”

We are in the neighborhood that ‘hold on, is that my couch by the Christmas tree? Is it Christmas already? Why is there a Christmas tree? Where are my pills?’ I like to go to after work. Sometimes I even buy a bottle of Champaign from a bodega across the street, well, it’s actually seventeen blocks away, but - braaaaah, these are some good pills - it’s still the closest place to my crib. Shit - where’s my lighter?

The light is pouring in through the window and I cannot figure out how my head is still screwed on. The hangover hits you at a billion miles an hour. For some reason I’m holding half a kitten. I look right and there is blood everywhere. And a fish tank. I shove it and it shatters on the floor. Thank goodness my fish weren’t inside. I burp and it tastes fishy. The girl on the right side of the bed isn’t breathing. So I just eat the remainder of the kitten. Now - where is my lighter?

Daphne Takes a Shit - by HFA


Daphne Takes A Shit

I sip my water and look outside. It is beautiful. The sun has just peaked over the horizon and is lighting up the lake in front of the patio in dozens of colors. The lake is surrounded by mountains on all four sides and everything but the patio and the area behind is still covered in dark. 

Daphne whimpers while sniffing something on the floor, leaving a trail of drool on the floor behind her. She bumps into my hand and licks it. The plastic jar of treats in on the table, in front of me and to the right. I put my glass down, take the lid off and grab a couple. She pants into my hand as I feed her one. 

We take the creaky stairs on the left. They lead into the backyard. It’s as decrepit as the cabin itself. There is a small fence that surrounds the area, perhaps 15 feet in diameter. I could never realize how the owners planted the fence so as to make the area a perfect circle with Daphne’s favorite place to take a shit right in the middle. 

She eyes me reproachfully as my alarm goes off while she is squatting and I quickly shut it off. It’s 6:30. I light up a cigarette and look away, admiring the sunrise through the thick brushes surrounding the backyard and the patio. 

Once she is done I consider scooping things up, but put the baggie inside my pocket - let the earth embrace it. Nobody comes here except for Daphne anyway. 

We go back onto the patio and out the door onto the beach. It’s not hot but she is wearing a thick coat so she is already whizzing, while pulling me forward, towards the lake. It’s shallow and perhaps a mile long and quarter a mile wide. I have waded through it before and it never went above the waist. It was refreshing not to be afraid of drowning. Daphne paddled by my side, as if to encourage me. 

We walk eastward on the beach towards the rising sun. On the left there are several hotels and private residences that appeared out of the blue over the past couple of the years. They were built right in front of the mountains, right in front of the beach. It’s the same story on the other side of the lake. Only the east part is unspoiled, where the lake stops a few dozen feet away from where the rocks start, and the west part, where the cabin hides the solitary road into the area behind itself. 

We pass by McCormick - a three story building with an angular roof painted dark red. It’s a bread and breakfast and I hear Daphne has a boyfriend there. She stops a few hundred feet away and sniffs the air for a bit. Then sneezes. The mountain behind the McCormick is a tangly mess with rocks protruding every which way they desire. McCormick’s roof is almost in a shadow. 

We reach the easternmost point and sit down on the beach which is mostly flat rocks here. I put my feet in the water and Daphne lies down next to me. I give her another treat and she pants gratefully. 

Todd lives at McCormick. He must be the caretaker - every time I visit he is here. On this exact spot, his feet in the water, admiring the sun rays shooting forward, towards our cabin, the road behind it, hugging the mountains, drowning everything in light. I give Todd a cigarette and light up my own. We rarely speak. In fact Daphne makes more noise than both of us combined. But this morning things feel different.

I breathe in heavily. The air smells fresh, crisp, electrified. Todd smirks and points toward the mountains on our right, behind the McCormick, behind the dark red roof. 

“Watch” - he says. I see a small rock, it’s hard to judge from the distance, but it does seem small, break away from the top of the mountain, roll down, bounce of the side of the mountain and land a few feet away from the lake. 

“Just. Watch.” - he inhales deeply and smirks again as a much larger rock starts rolling down, almost comically slow, dislodging other, much larger rocks, until a whole avalanche is rolling down, covering, destroying McCormick and the building next to it, wiping everything in their way, smashing into the lake and causing waves speed our way. Daphne whimpers and jumps up as the water approaches but it only grazes us. As I light up another cigarette, the three buildings, all painted ugly yellow, next to the ruble that was once Todd’s residence slowly go down in a heap. It looked like an earthquake in a very slow motion - you could paint the building something else and watch the paint dry while kicking a few beers back before you saw them hit the ground. 

Daphne wails and then snarls as the final two on our right collapse. I look to the building on the left and start feeling uneasy. 

Todd asks me for another cigarette and thanks with a smirk. “You. Just. Watch.”

Daphne is in a full blown panic, stomping on the rocks, hopping up and down and howling towards the mountains. 

“You coming?” I ask Todd. He springs on the the right side of the beach, through rocks, through rubble, through water, and I sprint after him, a shaggy sheepdog wailing behind, trying to catch up. We run like there is no tomorrow and on our left, across the lake, the remainder of this lakeside community gives way. 

That was the longest mile I ever ran, but when we burst onto the patio Todd’s cigarette was barely touched and he was breathing evenly. He poured himself a glass of water and pointed to the road behind the cabin. He didn’t have to explain himself. I put Daphne on the leash, grabbed some treats out of the jar and we half trotted, half sprinted down the road. Half a mile away was a bridge that led off the island. That was my plan, I didn’t know what Todd was thinking, nor did I care. 

Daphne was never in a good shape but when the rest of the mountains behind us started collapsing she let out a yell that sounded like she was surprised and sprinted past us, dragging me after her, almost making me face plant on the road. She only stopped by the bridge to sniff it suspiciously before gingerly walking forward. We were almost half way through it when it gave way and the island behind us plummeted down pulling the back portion of the bridge with it. I grabbed onto the railing, trying to hold onto the 30 pounds of shaggy dog that was slipping through my fingers, yelping in horror. As the bridge crossed the 45 degree mark Todd started sliding down slowly. “Watch”, he smirked as he disappeared in the disastrous mixture of water, steel and rock. Daphne slipped and followed him shortly after - her hazelnut eyes, barely visible behind the gray and white coat, filled with horror, as she desperately tried to paddle back up the surface that was bending upwards. 

One must think that once a direction is chosen and the circumstances are set to make that direction nigh impossible to diverge from, one must have one last attempt to correct that sinking ship. But who is that person to question the decision that was made by that same person, on that person’s own behalf? Can that person correct the things that lead to that decision? Can amends be made?

My hands hurt. We are almost at 90 degrees now. I let one hand go, fish out my pack of cigarettes, put one cigarette in my mouth and light it up. Then my other hand opens up. 

I sip my water and look outside. It is beautiful. The sun is still hidden behind the mountains and everything around looks dark, silent, peaceful.

Daphne whimpers while sniffing something on the floor, leaving a trail of drool on the floor behind her. She bumps into my hand and licks it. I pat her head and scratch her under the chin. Her brown tangled hair reminds me to make a mental note to brush her later today. She has a bag of treats on the table on my left. I put my glass down and grab a couple. She pants into my hand as I feed her one. 

We take the creaky stairs on the right. The lead into the backyard. It’s as decrepit as the cabin itself. It’s just a small fence that surrounds an area, perhaps 15 feet in diameter. I could never realize how the owners planted the fence so as to make the area a perfect circle with Daphne’s favorite place to take a shit right in the middle. 

She eyes me reproachfully as my alarm goes off while she is squatting and I quickly shut it off. It’s 5:30. I light up a cigarette and look away. 

It’s almost time to meet up with Matt.

April 6, 2018

The House Next to Mine - by HFA

The House Next to Mine

It drizzled earlier so the air is fresh outside. I sit down on the patio with a heavy sigh. The garden is well maintained even though I have no idea how Jim finds the time to care for it. The grass is always cut, bushes are trimmed, and the leaves are raked. The remains of my dinner are next to the stairs that lead down.

The soup was good but my stomach has been giving up on me lately. It is really a coin toss kind of situation - sometimes I can digest, and sometimes I throw up violently. Jim has been very understanding. Ever since he stopped giving me solid food I’ve been able to hold down at least 3 or 4 meals a week. I never try to make a mess. Typically I go behind the trees, right by the fence at the end of the property, but tonight I felt too weak to go that far. The trek from the bed to the patio took my breath away and I was huffing and puffing by the time I reached the door. 

The air smells fresh so I spend some time simply enjoying the fact I that am still able to breathe, even though each breath comes with a sound that makes me suspect my lungs aren’t in great shape. Up ahead, somewhere in the bushes, a cricket voices itself. I let out a sound that sounds like a cough. 

Jim drives a pickup truck that is probably older than I am. Jim works very hard. He leaves at the crack of dawn, waking me up, and comes back after dusk, waking me up. 

Our neighbors are an elderly couple that I barely see. They mostly stay inside, except for the occasional time they drive to the nearest supermarket, presumably to get food. I met them last year, and they seemed very nice - Todd and Harriet if I recall correctly. They even brought a pie for us, even thought I always thought it was customary for them to get one from Jim and me since they were the ones to move in. 

My heart is beating way too fast and I feel out of breath, despite the fact that I was sitting on the patio for a good half an hour listening to that cricket. And there is something moving around in the tree, the one farthest away - probably a squirrel. 

Once Jim and I went to a local playground to watch children play sports and I rather liked football. Not the one they show on TV when it starts getting colder; the one they predominantly play with their feet.

The light in Todd's and Harriet's house is still on, even though it is very late (or very early?). I wonder if they fell asleep watching TV. From where I sit I cannot see inside the windows and I feel it would be inappropriate to go and look inside, even if I felt strong enough to endure the 100 or so foot walk to their house. Lately I’ve felt weaker than I typically do. Malnutrition is probably not helping. 

The squirrel sounds like it found food somewhere up in the tree. 

The following day it rained hard so after Jim returned, gave me my dinner, and I threw it up next to the bushes, I sat on the patio hoping to hear the squirrel again. It wasn't around so instead I counted stars that I could see. There were no clouds in the sky but my eyesight deteriorated significantly over the past year. The light in the house next door was on again and I wondered if it was Todd or Harriet that had insomnia. The fresh air gave me the air of confidence so after panting a bit I slowly made it down the stairs and across the lawn. Halfway through I collapsed and had to spend a good ten minutes trying to catch my breath. The walk to the window was not easy, but when I made it and peered inside I saw an empty room with lights and a TV on. 

The next day I was too exhausted to go onto the patio. Jim helped me to the restroom in the morning and I slept all day after that. 

Back when I was healthier I enticed Jim to play football with me. He routinely won but I definitely have made him sweat for it. Given my body type football was the only sport I could comfortably play. I also watched a lot of it on the TV. Jim and I stopped playing once the field iced over in October. I tried to get into other sports but my body type prevented me from doing what most could. 

The following night I had so much energy I actually went for a jog. I went from my bed, through the garden and all the way to Todd and Harriet's window. The TV was still on. I walked around their house, thinking that I could spot them through windows. Then my heart gave out and I had to lie down next to a sprinkler. So much for exercise. 

I have so much love inside of me. I have lived a life that most would only dream of. Now, though, as I get closer to crossing the bridge, I can only appreciate the moments more than I ever did. I also think about my own demise. As I get old and decrepit and useless, what does Jim think of me? Once we become a burden to the ones we love, should we continue? Should we live? Could we fight and survive another day? As I lie here, next to my soup, which will most likely be my last, I contemplate. I never hurt anyone in my life, I always tried to give others a smile. I moved in with Jim, and even though I can be a handful, I'd like to think I made his life better. 

The following night I sat on the patio until it got dark. Then I embarked on a journey to see Todd and Harriet. It took me a good 15 minutes to get to their front door. The fact the TV was still on was bothering me so I decided to inquire within. I banged on the front door to no avail, my heart pumping faster than that squirrel hid its goods. Then I pushed the door and it opened. Looks like they never locked it. Slowly I walked around the living room, TV still on. 

We tried to play other sports the following summer. Volleyball was my favorite but it never took on because Jim was too heavy to move that fast and my health was beginning to fade.  I still did enjoy running around in the sand and flipping the ball over the net. There were a few times when Jim just laid down on the sand, panting, after trying to catch the ball. Jim tried to teach me poker as well, but it was too confusing. For the life of me I never could correctly pinpoint my hand - a flush, a full house….

My bones hurt but I made it up the stairs to the second floor. I saw Todd immediately. He wore his pajamas (I guess once you get old, you are expected to own at least one pair) that had fish printed all over them. It was a pattern that made me dizzy. Harriet was in the bedroom. She wore her "going out" clothes - a nice conservative skirt and a beige blouse. A beautiful turquoise brooch around her neck.

Harriet was resting her head on the pillows. There was a small hole in her temple, a gun next to her. Todd had a cleaver. It separated his skull almost in half. A small pool of blood next to him. And it smelled. I couldn't put my finger on it but it smelled like cookies for some reason.

I made my way down. I knew why the TV was on. On my way down there was something that caught my eye. It was a fake apple, one of those you put on your table for decoration. This one was on the floor. I kicked it and it bounced down the stairs, making a hollow sound. I kicked it again on my way out, and my foot hurt for a bit. 

The following day I couldn't get out of the bed. I tried to, but even after I ate Jim’s chowder, I just couldn't. At least I could digest it. Jim came back from work after dusk and sensed that something was off. I was still in bed and I wasn't able to move. He half carried me to the patio and I finally spotted a squirrel in the trees. 

It was nice. Jim and I sat, shoulder to shoulder, and looked at the stars above. Then my heart gave up on me and I collapsed onto Jim's lap. And I could feel drops of water falling down on me as I lay there, and Jim saying he loved me. And all I tried to do was to gather the rest of my strength, and then I could. So I rose for the last time and with my last breath I licked his face.

April 5, 2018

Fucking SAMs

Tori: Aren't you Johnny's brother?

SAM: Yeah, I am, I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

Tori: Tori.

SAM: I'm gay.

January 15, 2018

Babies

J: "You know what the beautiful thing about babies is?"
HFA: "It doesn't take a lot of effort to throw them far?"
J: "Yes but...wait...what?"