Overheard on the Patio

"She's a bartender... Or whatever you call female bartenders. And she wants the tip. Not the tip of your penis - a tip from your bank account."

APB Mono-text

Between the hours of 23:20 and 00:45, Midget #2 and I received the following string of communications in bursts of rapid succession from one APB.

You both took off in the car. Why do you just leave me? I thought we were friends, do I not matter?
Why would you just leave me
Please
Why
I am just to be ignored and left
Why
Please answer me
Please
Please
Please just be straight with me
Please
What is going on
Why would you just leave me like this
What is going on
So I don't matter to either one of you
Ok
I thought you were my fried
Friend
I am just a stupid person for you to laugh at
I am just some dumb guy who cares too much
Just another fucking idiot
You too just do whatever you want
Ignoring me
Ignoring me
The dumb gut
Ok sorry I understand you guys are better off without me
Have a fun night
Wow I am just alone now
I guess this is it
Just me alone because I am violent evil person with no heart and no control
Fuck
Fuck
Fck
Fuck
UCF khakis
Buff
Bhdoadig
DishHsvo
Bdhaggagjc
Handcuff
Hardcore
Heidi
Xhshsdixo
Kegs ifid
Cdchdthx
Bdyixxbxhx
BGdchchhc
Chxxhxxb
Hcnxuxich
Bcjxix
Dydhxvxix
Bccuxgxvxhdapacthgdfddrwwÿxgsudjdhhahsvgdybxxbxixjcbxhsihcddhd
Dhdudvsbssishdjdbidsbd
Hjfudjds
Dygsdddddhdiofjdbdb
Fuck you guys
You guys are not real friends just self satisfying assholes
Fuck you
Fucj you
Fycj you
iChat gym
Ads
Ass
Ss
Ass
Fucj you
Funk you
Fuvk you

Spring

"Professor said - ah it's spring maybe Doodle can find a gf and enjoy the time with her. Keeping a straight face was excruciating."

Five Monkeys

I once read about five monkeys that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. New monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys.

Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replacing a third original monkey with a new one, it headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but all stayed the fuck away from the stairs.

-David Thorne

Pteradactly: Anger Log

Did I ever tell you about the time I started questioning why I was pissed off all the time and attempted to keep a log of every time I got angry?

I started at 9am and gave up by 11 - it was too time consuming. There were multiple people...

The first person was this dumbass walking in the lobby, or I should say, dumbasses. I hate it when people walk like 3+ people long and walk slower than a goddamn snail. So there's these shitheads taking up the entire width of the frigging lobby and I finally sneak around them.

Then I head towards the ATM and there's this retarded woman trying to open the door by putting her ATM card into the slot upside down. You can tell she's getting all frustrated, like the door should have opened 4 times already. But no, you dumb asshole, read the sign and put the magnetic strip in the right place.

Then I head towards the crosswalk and some jackass decides he needs his lunch really bad he so he runs into the street but has to stop in the middle otherwise he'll get run over. Good job, shithead, you're gonna get your lunch 10 seconds faster now. I know you needed that extra time really bad. Plus, he was walking with a woman and he abandoned her. On the sidewalk. So he's standing in the street looking back at her with this shit eating grin, like, "COME ON WHY DIDN'T YOU RUN WITH ME?" The answer: Cause you're a fucking idiot

So I get to the deli and there's some guy standing outside near the line, and I couldn't really tell if he was in the line or what. I finally realize he's trying to peer over the crowd at the menu. It's like...what the fuck, move over dumbass, get off the line. So I just stepped in front of him cause I honestly couldn't tell if he was in line or what. Good choice I made cause 10 seconds later he jumped in back of me on line, then turned around and ran away. Thanks for being confusing asshole.

So I got my food, start heading back. I'm walking towards my entrance and there's these two jackasses in suits in front of me going in as well, but walking slowly and in no conceivable path. Moving to the right, to the left, to the right again, ignoring one door, then turning around a corner as sharply as humanly possible and nearly running into 2 other people. Fucking dickheads, look around you and stop floating around. Just pick a fucking door.

So I managed to get around them and use a different door, which was really hard to do without colliding with them and their dumb trajectory. I get inside, wait for an elevator. An elevator comes and like 50,000 people run into it so I decide to wait for the next one. A few people wait with me, another elevator comes. 2 people go in and I follow. One of the people pushes her floor button and just stands right in front of the buttons. Like, with her face in the buttons. She was so goddamn close. So whatever, I reached next to her rude stupid head and pushed my floor. But really, the elevator is empty - push your floor and move the fuck away. And she stood there the whole way up. Why do people do that? Why would you stand in a place that makes you invisible when the doors open.That means if someone is waiting for the elevator they'll mistakenly try to enter before you exit because they can't see you. What a dumbass.

And now I'm back at my desk.

Digging in the Bin

Stacks: you have to start searching for what you want, not picking from the bin that's convenient
Alpha: because every girl goes out and has a drink once in a while
Alpha: i met someone from icap in the luxury box on friday
Stacks: yeah but not every girl lets a dude who hit on her at a bar into her pants
Alpha: and a guy at a coffee shop
Alpha: but none are interesting.. just boring handsome men
Stacks: so you met a dude while getting shitfaced
Stacks: and another someone while hung over

Die Rich

"If you want to die rich, abide by The 3 F's. If it Flies, Floats, or Fucks, rent it, don't buy it." - GS Elevator

Impala Wisdom

"A wise man once said the best way to end a "detox" is by sharing shots of Jameson with a black friend."

...in Paris

Hating at Fu

"zoran is such a hilarious individual. on monday he made a 10 feet straw out of straws and start poking professor and anya in the face with it, so they asked him to stop, and he told them that he hated them all. then he arrived on tuesday just to confirm that he still hated everyone and left"

Tea

-so now you know what it's like to overbrew the tea
-maybe it was bad tea to begin with
-how would you know?
-i got it on sale