"I typically stopped bothering myself with such minor things after college. It just kills your braincells and I've got alcohol for that."
January 31, 2012
Green Street Hooligans
It's about Irish people beating the living shit out of each other. And Frodo is in it.
January 27, 2012
Bird Harasser
Stacks rants to Pterodactyl.
dude
speaking of pidgeons
i found my backup job
if i ever get fired
here's what i'll do
in dallas there's a bird problem - first off there's something like gang warfare between the pidgeons and these tiny crow-looking things that walk on thin tallish feet and have nails on their toes that clink no matter what surface they're walking over
there will be a flock of pidgeons just sitting in a parking lot pecking at nothing as usual and these crow things will fly into the middle of the flock and start harassing and chasing them
but the pidgeons usually attack by flanking the crow things
every day i walk to work and i cut through a large parking lot that's mostly empty this early in the morning
and i see this shit
sometimes there are so many birds i just walk around
i mean if walk through them a bunch will lift off and probably shit all over me
speaking of which i often walk around trees surrounding the parking lot
instead of shadows they just have a giant white spot beneath the branches
it's dangerous shit
anyway back to the job
i started laughing the first time i saw this
but the city of dallas hires bird harassers
it's no joke
these clowns drive around in cars, find trees with birds in them, and shine projector lights and honk air horns at them
when the birds get fed up with this and migrate to the next tree the harasser drive a couple feet and does it again
now tell me: how awesome would it be to have that on your resume
dude
speaking of pidgeons
i found my backup job
if i ever get fired
here's what i'll do
in dallas there's a bird problem - first off there's something like gang warfare between the pidgeons and these tiny crow-looking things that walk on thin tallish feet and have nails on their toes that clink no matter what surface they're walking over
there will be a flock of pidgeons just sitting in a parking lot pecking at nothing as usual and these crow things will fly into the middle of the flock and start harassing and chasing them
but the pidgeons usually attack by flanking the crow things
every day i walk to work and i cut through a large parking lot that's mostly empty this early in the morning
and i see this shit
sometimes there are so many birds i just walk around
i mean if walk through them a bunch will lift off and probably shit all over me
speaking of which i often walk around trees surrounding the parking lot
instead of shadows they just have a giant white spot beneath the branches
it's dangerous shit
anyway back to the job
i started laughing the first time i saw this
but the city of dallas hires bird harassers
it's no joke
these clowns drive around in cars, find trees with birds in them, and shine projector lights and honk air horns at them
when the birds get fed up with this and migrate to the next tree the harasser drive a couple feet and does it again
now tell me: how awesome would it be to have that on your resume
Smooth Progression
Alpha: who came up with the term "bug"?
Tull: grace hopper
Bun: Grace Hopper
Tull: thanks for repeating
Bun: it's not repeating
Bun: it's correcting
Alpha: my uncle vacummed up his turtles once when he was a kid
Alpha: and then years later my uncle's dog (Lab) bit my grandma's dog's (toy poodle) head off
Tull: grace hopper
Bun: Grace Hopper
Tull: thanks for repeating
Bun: it's not repeating
Bun: it's correcting
Alpha: my uncle vacummed up his turtles once when he was a kid
Alpha: and then years later my uncle's dog (Lab) bit my grandma's dog's (toy poodle) head off
January 26, 2012
Like A Douche In The Night, Part 4
A horror story in one act
Recurring characters:
HFA
Other characters:
Colombian - a mentally unstable 120 pound rape victim
The following takes place between 10pm and 12pm on a Wednesday. Events occur in reverse order..
Act 1, Scene 3:
Colombian: I'm a 22 year old lush I hope you know that your baby will never know their dad
HFA: You're the shit.
Act 1, Scene 2:
My rage cannot be described. I rush past Liz and Lenny straight to the barstand where I order a yellow shit and half a dozen of band-aids. My right hand is covered in blood so I use it to pound my drink in about 4 seconds. Blood is dripping from my left hand. Derek pulls me aside and tells me that the Colombian has previously visited the same drinking establishment and spent half an hour sitting on the sidewalk outside screaming and crying about me. He warns me to be careful, so I thank him and smear some blood over his sweater. In the restroom I tape my wounds as best as I can. I slowly simmer down over the next two hours pounding yellow shits and random shots.
Act 1, Scene 1:
I walk out of the subway at 10 and head to Fu Half a block away I notice a familiar face walking towards me and instantly I cringe. The Colombian. I make the mistake of not powerwalking past her and say "Hey." The clock on the parking meter reads 10:05. In roughly the following order:
- I get smacked over the head, once, twice, fifteen times
- I get kicked in the balls, once, twice, five times, I turn sideways, I get kicked in the ass
- I put my hands in front of me for protection
- I get bitten, half of my finger is missing skin, blood everywhere, I stare in disbelief
- I get bitten again, there is a whole in the web between my thumb and index finger
- Scratch marks everywhere: hands, neck, face
- She wants to talk, she wants to know why I lied, why I won't admit I like her
- Cops pass by, stop, watch me getting smacked repeatedly, drive by
- I run, get tackled, there is a guy walking a dog, I threaten the Colombian that I would entice the dog to bite her
- She says she was sleeping with one guy when she saw me, then the number turns to four, then to six, my name is now Mike
- We walk around, I search for another cop car to get rid of her, she starts yelling "you raped me" on Park Avenue in front of dozens of people
- She promises to never see me again if I never come to her bar, that would be Snafu
- She promises to leave if I walk her to GC, reluctantly I agree after she threatens to sue me for rape
- We walk, I am silent, every few seconds she screams "why are you yelling at me?!", I continue not speaking
- There are threats of stalking me, just for the fun of it
In the mind blinded by rage and desire to stab her in the face, a bleak hope. As we enter GC, I use all the football player skills that I have learned by watching the Giants games, to get to the subway entrance. Living in Westchester and working close to GC gives few reasons to have a MetroCard. As I swipe my MetroCard I smile. I walk out on the other side of the building 2 minutes later. The clock on the parking meter reads 11:00.
Recurring characters:
HFA
Other characters:
Colombian - a mentally unstable 120 pound rape victim
The following takes place between 10pm and 12pm on a Wednesday. Events occur in reverse order..
Act 1, Scene 3:
Colombian: I'm a 22 year old lush I hope you know that your baby will never know their dad
HFA: You're the shit.
Act 1, Scene 2:
My rage cannot be described. I rush past Liz and Lenny straight to the barstand where I order a yellow shit and half a dozen of band-aids. My right hand is covered in blood so I use it to pound my drink in about 4 seconds. Blood is dripping from my left hand. Derek pulls me aside and tells me that the Colombian has previously visited the same drinking establishment and spent half an hour sitting on the sidewalk outside screaming and crying about me. He warns me to be careful, so I thank him and smear some blood over his sweater. In the restroom I tape my wounds as best as I can. I slowly simmer down over the next two hours pounding yellow shits and random shots.
Act 1, Scene 1:
I walk out of the subway at 10 and head to Fu Half a block away I notice a familiar face walking towards me and instantly I cringe. The Colombian. I make the mistake of not powerwalking past her and say "Hey." The clock on the parking meter reads 10:05. In roughly the following order:
- I get smacked over the head, once, twice, fifteen times
- I get kicked in the balls, once, twice, five times, I turn sideways, I get kicked in the ass
- I put my hands in front of me for protection
- I get bitten, half of my finger is missing skin, blood everywhere, I stare in disbelief
- I get bitten again, there is a whole in the web between my thumb and index finger
- Scratch marks everywhere: hands, neck, face
- She wants to talk, she wants to know why I lied, why I won't admit I like her
- Cops pass by, stop, watch me getting smacked repeatedly, drive by
- I run, get tackled, there is a guy walking a dog, I threaten the Colombian that I would entice the dog to bite her
- She says she was sleeping with one guy when she saw me, then the number turns to four, then to six, my name is now Mike
- We walk around, I search for another cop car to get rid of her, she starts yelling "you raped me" on Park Avenue in front of dozens of people
- She promises to never see me again if I never come to her bar, that would be Snafu
- She promises to leave if I walk her to GC, reluctantly I agree after she threatens to sue me for rape
- We walk, I am silent, every few seconds she screams "why are you yelling at me?!", I continue not speaking
- There are threats of stalking me, just for the fun of it
In the mind blinded by rage and desire to stab her in the face, a bleak hope. As we enter GC, I use all the football player skills that I have learned by watching the Giants games, to get to the subway entrance. Living in Westchester and working close to GC gives few reasons to have a MetroCard. As I swipe my MetroCard I smile. I walk out on the other side of the building 2 minutes later. The clock on the parking meter reads 11:00.
January 24, 2012
Penguin quote of the night
"I traded my vacuum cleaner and a trash can for an ounce of Johnny Herrera"
January 19, 2012
NS BF Issues
i arrive at fu at 4:35 and sip a drink with depressed italian. at 4:50 i get a text from vik informing of a problem with our system, so i pound my shit and return back to work, solve the problem and return to fu at 5:30. polish appears and disappears, then fisherman does the same, then alpha, then derek the page consultant, then bankmaster's manager.
finally i get tired of this magic appear/disappear act and it no longer entertains me to make fun of the four-year-old, so i triple-check my phone to make sure its thursday (since mary always works on thursdays, and nuclear scientist is always off) and teleport myself to rebel. i enter and hang suspended between 2nd and 3rd step for a good 15 seconds trying to realize why nuclear scientist is behind the bar. finally i say "fuck it" and position myself by the bar. i get a heartfelt and dramatic hug, and our conversations starts on this note:
HFA: Can I get a..
NS: (slams two shot glasses on the bar, slams a bottle of jameson)
HFA: Can I get a..
NS: (pounds a shot)
HFA: Can I fucking get..
NS: Things are very very very very very bad. Anya didn't come home last night.
At this point i start to get excited imagining a giant grizzly bear in pink sweatpants mauling anya and spreading pieces of her in random places between canada and mexico. Then i recall that i saw her at fu about 15 minutes prior, so i quickly dismiss that idea.
Nuclear scientists starts her 20 minute long diatribe, but i zone out after 4 shots (or about 10 minutes in human time). she proceeds to depress the shit out of me with the following things:
- her bf going on a double date with some girl and not telling her
- her bf being randomly shitfaced at 6:30 in the morning
- her bf having a mysterious aunt that calls him all the time but he never picks up in front of NS
- her bf staying over at his aunt's place every other night
- her bf randomly not calling her
- her bf randomly not picking up his phone
- NS wanting to kill her bf, his aunt, the double date girl, the neighborhood cat, and herself
finally papa shows up with some random individual from a small village in ukraine, who immediately starts drooling over NS. for some reason i ask him how he met papa about 4 times in the 20 minutes they spend at rebel, then they leave, i finish the bottle of jameson, and go home
at home i have a dream of Clifford calling me up on my cell and requesting i come by his desk in the octagon. when i do, he tells me that he discovered a new planet and he named it Atlantis
finally i get tired of this magic appear/disappear act and it no longer entertains me to make fun of the four-year-old, so i triple-check my phone to make sure its thursday (since mary always works on thursdays, and nuclear scientist is always off) and teleport myself to rebel. i enter and hang suspended between 2nd and 3rd step for a good 15 seconds trying to realize why nuclear scientist is behind the bar. finally i say "fuck it" and position myself by the bar. i get a heartfelt and dramatic hug, and our conversations starts on this note:
HFA: Can I get a..
NS: (slams two shot glasses on the bar, slams a bottle of jameson)
HFA: Can I get a..
NS: (pounds a shot)
HFA: Can I fucking get..
NS: Things are very very very very very bad. Anya didn't come home last night.
At this point i start to get excited imagining a giant grizzly bear in pink sweatpants mauling anya and spreading pieces of her in random places between canada and mexico. Then i recall that i saw her at fu about 15 minutes prior, so i quickly dismiss that idea.
Nuclear scientists starts her 20 minute long diatribe, but i zone out after 4 shots (or about 10 minutes in human time). she proceeds to depress the shit out of me with the following things:
- her bf going on a double date with some girl and not telling her
- her bf being randomly shitfaced at 6:30 in the morning
- her bf having a mysterious aunt that calls him all the time but he never picks up in front of NS
- her bf staying over at his aunt's place every other night
- her bf randomly not calling her
- her bf randomly not picking up his phone
- NS wanting to kill her bf, his aunt, the double date girl, the neighborhood cat, and herself
finally papa shows up with some random individual from a small village in ukraine, who immediately starts drooling over NS. for some reason i ask him how he met papa about 4 times in the 20 minutes they spend at rebel, then they leave, i finish the bottle of jameson, and go home
at home i have a dream of Clifford calling me up on my cell and requesting i come by his desk in the octagon. when i do, he tells me that he discovered a new planet and he named it Atlantis
January 17, 2012
Musical Excerpts
"as a matta of fact we need y'all to move, pronto, like, expeditiously"
"big snoop dogg and soldier boy... in yo mouth"
"i don't freestyle cuz my style ain't free"
"all black, hooded up, n* we can get it up..."
all from the fantastic snoop album cleverly titled "malice n wonderland"
"big snoop dogg and soldier boy... in yo mouth"
"i don't freestyle cuz my style ain't free"
"all black, hooded up, n* we can get it up..."
all from the fantastic snoop album cleverly titled "malice n wonderland"
Alpha Warns the Outsider
"The chick is stage 3 clinger, and I'm talking fucking London style clinger. I suggest running, changing your number, locking your doors, and wrapping your trout. She wants more than just your name -
the b1tch wants to bear your children." - Alpha
January 12, 2012
Missed Opportunity
"So there is this guy who comes to Whiskey, and he's been in love with this girl for the past two years, and they are just friends. and she was going back to Thailand the next day because her visa expired, so he decided to propose. But he was so nervous he was drinking a lot. And he got so fucked up he couldn't walk. And she left."
-Edil
-Edil
January 11, 2012
On the Way
HFA relays the following...
So anyway I bumped into tony on the way to the bar last night and something he said disturbed me quite a lot: "I wish my fucking mother didnt have a fucking birthday so I could just go and get drunk"
So anyway I bumped into tony on the way to the bar last night and something he said disturbed me quite a lot: "I wish my fucking mother didnt have a fucking birthday so I could just go and get drunk"
Dinner Plans
Tull recommends...
Agree to meet them for a dinner, pre-game at Penguin, arrive somewhat hammerred, when given a dinner menu, yell "HFAs don't eat, give me a goddamn vodka menu", order a bottle of vodka, decline to share with the rest of the people at the table, pound it, and when done say "I typically drink more, but I decided to leave a good impression."
Agree to meet them for a dinner, pre-game at Penguin, arrive somewhat hammerred, when given a dinner menu, yell "HFAs don't eat, give me a goddamn vodka menu", order a bottle of vodka, decline to share with the rest of the people at the table, pound it, and when done say "I typically drink more, but I decided to leave a good impression."
January 5, 2012
Overheard Phone Convo
"Naaatalie?.... I just guessed... Well nobody else calls me from San Antonio... Everybody thinks I'm gonna lose their money...."
Like a Douche in the Night, Dallas Edition, Consolidated
from my perspective:
Tuesday
johnnie and beer, penguin for pool, introductions all around, tavern for sandwich and the huge girl with her emo friend, jess comes, things get blurry, jess buys everyone drinks at penguin, more pool, like a douche in the night on the jukebox, bar closes down, ironic bottle of wine from the car, pounding more johnnie and wine at the apartment
Wednesday
tull wakes up 5 hours before and drinks all the beer, then we drive for breakfast at breadwinners where we get huge burgers, after that i get some coffee and we settle in to watch american psycho. at this point, the mazda gets its second parking ticket of the day, jfk memorial, post office shack, buy tull a hat at the cowboy store, west end pub, pool at penguin, drop off the hat at the apartment, cab it to the monk, play some darts, powerwalk to barcadia with doucheglasses, mortal kombat and super mario brothers tournament, pool and two dollar beer at the slip inn, cab home, more american psycho and frozen pizza
Thursday
mexican food and the tortilla soup at sol, water and a carton for tull, tavern before catching the train, then bus, then shooting range, drinks at a pizza place along the highway, go back to the apartment, head to christie's for pool table where balls never stop rolling and bacon blue and tex mex burgers, bump into coworker at the den, impala joins, then mexican and nigerian. mechanical bull place, trophy room, from where we ran from the mexican and nigerian to sfu where a random dude kept asking tull about being in the kgb, half an hour before last call we decided we needed to check if penguin had timati so we caught a cab and headed downtown to be disappointed and play some pool, then jimmy's new york place for some stromboli
from tull's perspective:
Tuesday
johnnie and beer, penguin for pool, introductions all around, tavern for sandwich and the huge girl with her emo friend, jess comes, things get blurry, jess buys everyone drinks at penguin, more pool, like a douche in the night on the jukebox, bar closes down, ironic bottle of wine from the car, pounding more johnnie and wine at the apartment
Wednesday
tull wakes up 5 hours before and drinks all the beer, then we drive for breakfast at breadwinners where we get huge burgers, after that i get some coffee and we settle in to watch american psycho. at this point, the mazda gets its second parking ticket of the day, jfk memorial, post office shack, buy tull a hat at the cowboy store, west end pub, pool at penguin, drop off the hat at the apartment, cab it to the monk, play some darts, powerwalk to barcadia with doucheglasses, mortal kombat and super mario brothers tournament, pool and two dollar beer at the slip inn, cab home, more american psycho and frozen pizza
Thursday
mexican food and the tortilla soup at sol, water and a carton for tull, tavern before catching the train, then bus, then shooting range, drinks at a pizza place along the highway, go back to the apartment, head to christie's for pool table where balls never stop rolling and bacon blue and tex mex burgers, bump into coworker at the den, impala joins, then mexican and nigerian. mechanical bull place, trophy room, from where we ran from the mexican and nigerian to sfu where a random dude kept asking tull about being in the kgb, half an hour before last call we decided we needed to check if penguin had timati so we caught a cab and headed downtown to be disappointed and play some pool, then jimmy's new york place for some stromboli
from tull's perspective:
Friday
parade, vietnamese noodles, sitting at the empty bar of the fish market, then tavern, walk to train picking up vodka along the way, get to ft. worth, the dude with green business card by ochos locos, spanish place with clones, the pickletini bar with e person, i powerwalk around the city, you drive us home while e keeps talking about baseball, we go to sfuzzi (i think), she drives home while you are passed out at the back seat, more drinks at home
Saturday
you make the sandwich while i pound drinks downstairs, we head to the doggie park, the fish place, the dog with a bottle of bud light, the pumpkin head tin man place, the photoshoot, pumpkin vodka shots, the delicious cindy gator and strange pastel at the free man, home, cab it to 560, spicy margaritas, rooftop, cab it to penguin, pool at penguin, cab it to sfuzzi, meet jess/impala, she drives us back home, we listen to music and drink beer
You've got...
Tull: i dont have the flu
Alpha: when you have a fever, that is what it normally means
Alpha: fever = flu
Alpha: hiv
Alpha: when you have a fever, that is what it normally means
Alpha: fever = flu
Alpha: hiv
Barmaid Stories
So basically here's a random collection of things that happen to night-time barmaids that go home after work:
Edil: well, once i fell asleep on the subway and woke up in a bus in coney island
Tanya: i once overslept my stop, this mexican dude wakes me up and i just starting yelling at him in russian "i just wanna go home, i just wanna go home and sleep"
Tanya: once i woke up in the middle of the night at home and screamed "i just wanna go home to see my momma, i wanna go to minsk" then immediately passed out
Anya: once i got on a subway and the dude in front of me had a horribly deformed face, but when i was getting up to exit at my stop his face was back to normal
Anya: once i woke up in the middle of the night and told my bf "i need you to get a bottle of wine for me for a customer?" and he goes "baby, you arent at work, you are home" and i yell "get me goddamn bottle of wine, i AM at work"
Edil: well, once i fell asleep on the subway and woke up in a bus in coney island
Tanya: i once overslept my stop, this mexican dude wakes me up and i just starting yelling at him in russian "i just wanna go home, i just wanna go home and sleep"
Tanya: once i woke up in the middle of the night at home and screamed "i just wanna go home to see my momma, i wanna go to minsk" then immediately passed out
Anya: once i got on a subway and the dude in front of me had a horribly deformed face, but when i was getting up to exit at my stop his face was back to normal
Anya: once i woke up in the middle of the night and told my bf "i need you to get a bottle of wine for me for a customer?" and he goes "baby, you arent at work, you are home" and i yell "get me goddamn bottle of wine, i AM at work"
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