Hasids at Work

Levi to Tuli: "How many kids do you have now, 26?"

Levi on commuting: "Yesterday I fell asleep on the highway and some nice driver woke me up with his horn. New Yorkers look out for each other."

Levi: "I'm having a bad day."
Tuli: "You mean a Ritani day."

DPRK and Trump

"It's like...North Korea was this wonderful place under Obama and the 10 presidents before him. Thank this guy who's just like Hitler--I mean JUST LIKE HIM--steals an election with the help of the KGB and some autistic steel workers who like memes and then suddenly North Korea has famine and Gulags. See what happens when you elect people just like Hitler?"

- Douglas

Patrick the Used Car Salesman

"Can you put the body of the email on company letterhead?"

"Can you make the subject of the reports emails 'Ritani Affiliate Report From the Desk of Patrick Milam'?"

"Heading to eye Dr. appointment (probably because of the tiny font on your spreadsheets). Will look at it when I get back to my desk."

"Can you please send back as Excel file?"
[Attached: Book1.xlsx]

"Can you make the font in the spreadsheet bigger and send back plz? Thx."

David Tells a Jewish Joke

What do you prefer, a cold mother in law or a cold beer?
A cold mother in law, because she's dead.

--

A bus full of mothers in law and a bus full of their daughters in law are going to a picnic. The bus of mothers in law falls off a cliff. All the daughters in law are cheering and celebrating, except for one girl.
They ask her, "Why are you not happy?"
She replies, "My mother in law missed the bus."

--

A husband comes home to find his wife in bed with another man.
Shaking his head disapprovingly he laments, "Tsk tsk next think you know, you'll pick up smoking."

--

A man asks his friend how he is doing.
The friend replies, "I don't know what to tell you, my wife has not spoken to me in three days."
The man pats his friend on the shoulder, "You hold on to her, women like that don't come around often."

Phil's Friends

"I was not drinking much but my best friend's girlfriend was acting like a cunt so I called her a cunt. My best friend said 'don't call her that' and I responded 'but she's being a cunt and if you talk to me like that I will slap you' so he shoved me a bit and I slapped him. My other friends surrounded me, told me I was drunk and told me to go home. So basically I don't have friends in Paris anymore."

- Phil

Grievances

Myers' Podcast

"I think I need to ramp up the horribly offensive content to somewhere between a liberal arts major getting cat called and an abortion performed in a southern baptist church." - Myers

Priorities

Some people get married. Me? I just ride a miniature scooter that I got from and old lady with a broken foot around the pool table. Priorities.

-HFA

Nursing Comedy

I was talking to the guy outside and we came to a conclusion that you and I should go to a comedy show at a nursing home and throw a pint glass at the performer. Challenge accepted.

-HFA

Criminal Defense

"You should see 'Elle' in the theater because when they bring it to DVD they're going to cut out the two good rape scenes. See it." - Hugh

Tombstone & Job

"Tina just called me 'a perfect alcoholic'. That's what I want written on my tombstone."

"Armando upon seeing me enter PD: 'Yo I have no idea how you are able to hold a job.' Best compliment ever."