HFA's First Story: SUI Dallas

I came home at 3:30 shitfaced as fuck, and I woke up Furnace and told her to wake me up when she goes to work, which is usually around 7. Apparently within those 3.5 hours I woke up, woke Furnace up, and made her give me a handjob. I remember nothing of this.

Shopping Under the Influence

Groundhog Day

One September, on a whim,

A man named Phil and sometimes Zim

Boarded a Lufthansa flight

And came to NYC by night.

Dressed in red pants and blue shoes

Arrived at PDill's with a Jules.

The Zoran, swaying at his post,

Was hammered there, in unwashed clothes;

An HFA who yells at balls

Was slamming shits and punching walls;

And Furnace, three large bags in tow,

Was weeping softly, laying low;

The Raulito, clenching fist,

Holding pool stick, yelled "you missed!"

And Rankish, two Coronas deep,

Was drunk and going home to sleep;

And Money, dapper in a tie,

Was busy fighting cops nearby.

"And Andrei," Phil asked, "Is he far?"

"He's getting banned from Texas bars."

December came, and Phil's still here

"I'll leave tomorrow, let's have beer."

Zoran Night

On a night, cold and dreary;

In front - a drink, inside - a cherry;

Line for pool the length of Zoran's hair,

I shall write a story, but to be fair:

Lately I find myself bemused

By the way Zoran is confused

"Carpet? Cat? Vampire?

Perhaps I should change my attire." 

Cue ball, black ball, green ball,

I'll shoot that way, get you all. 

You, yes you, the female face,

You don't belong in this place!

... Now let me get my sandwich. 

Zoran

-- noun, verb (used with or without object), Zoran'ing, Zoran'ed

Stop being such a Zoran - stop consuming all the alcohol in the vicinity and hogging wifi

I'll go all Zoran on you - I will suspend you from the ceiling, then watch you bleed out on a white carpet

I got so Zoran'ed last night - I drank two bottles of vodka, got into a fight will all the staff at a bar, slammed my head against the pavement, got escorted to and subsequently escaped from ER

You shoot pool like a Zoran - refrain from directing your pool balls at innocent bystanders

You smell like a Zoran - you smell like you rolled around in panda feces since 2010

A Zoran conversation - a conversation in which one discusses a particular girl's lips, then informs her she does not belong in the establishment

Back in the Zoran times - back when vampires ruled the earth in 1400s..

Zoran chuckle - a cough of a cancer patient who should have been six feet under years ago

You must be a Zoran around here - you got banned from three establishments, today, and are working on your forth 

Nice Zoran haircut! - you just shed 5 pounds of hair but you can still make a few dozen more cancer patients look a lot less like skinheads

Meg Story

So last night, after we had a few shots, Money took Meg for a walk. Once she took a shit, he bagged it and threw it at Lenny.

This is probably the first time I didn't mean the real shit when I said "shit."

I bet him 100 bucks to do that which he returned. So I promptly shoved it inside of Meg's mouth as she supplied the goods. Now I have a bunch of chewed through bills.

We left shitfaced Zoran somewhere on the UES in the company of a Mike Tyson-looking 49 year old dude. I wonder if he is still alive.

Given that Zoran got banned from all neighborhood bars that have a pool table, we had to venture out.

-HFA

Bill Eats Dallas

List from Fu (originally written in 2012)

1) it's shits o'clock
2) events of past few days make little sense on any given level
3) guy is typically at on Sunday evenings so I sense a few games of pool
4) probably closer to butler. I suggest we buy her some chocolates, then break into her place when she's at work and leave them on her nighstand
5) her name was Michelle
6) statistically speaking at least one of us should be dead now

HFA's Dreams

Last night I had two dreams.

In the first I was exploring in a cemetery and tombstone fell down crushing my feet.

In the second you are I were on the road trying to find a place that we went to before. Obviously we had no address or idea on how to get there so we had to rely on going to random places, getting shitfaced and trying to see if we were getting closer. At some point we realized that our final destination was close to a gas station in Cleveland. We parked at one station which was actually just a giant room with bunch of chairs and a few tvs. I remembered that across the street was another gas station (there were only two in the city) so you walked over to check it out while I chilled in the car in the room. While you were away a truck pulled over and four criminal looking black and Mexican dudes proceeded to disassemble our car. In the few hours you were gone they managed to open the hood and remove a few tiny pieces, ie they were terrible at it. You returned with a black skinhead who was carrying a dead white skinhead. The "disassemblers" threw our bags out of the car, took the car and left us in the company of a nice looking Dominican girl. She had a bazooka. She was guarding us. We asked for permission to go onto a patio for a smoke. She agreed. When we got to a patio I realized the fuckers didn't give me my second bag that had two cartons of smokes in it and neither of us had cigarettes. What a fucking nightmare.

Overheard at PDill's

"Last night I had a dream that I was rich and I was flying. Do you know how I knew it was a dream? I woke up in my bed and I was poor."

"We are going to the future now! Did you know that there is Italian doctor, he is in Italy now, he's going to do a head transplant."

"Brain or completely the head?"

"Head! I don't know about brain though"

Dissecting Kidds with Pterodactyl (one year ago today)

I was thinking about some of my behavior last night and it actually makes logical sense. Since you know I love reading people and am generally pretty good at it, I was obviously reading Jessica to form my mental image. Her behavior can make her difficult to read though, and of course an interesting part of these analyses are how the woman interacts with and feels about you. But she lets other men (me) pour stuff on her head and grabs their arms and touches them an awful lot, which is contusing and makes it difficult to draw a conclusion. Trying to kiss her and seeing what happens produces a solid answer. Getting the answer was more satisfying than getting a kiss, since I was completely disinterested in a kiss. And then that part of my analyses is greatly advanced.

So then what conclusions have you drawn?
I'm as always extremely curious.

Well the question I was trying to answer was: how much does she value Andrei? The answer: quite a lot. As a person overall she's a lost soul. I feel like she puts on a face to the world. What she's hiding though, I don't know. She is definitely not stupid. She does seem to accept being roadkill though. I think she derives a sense of joy from being commanded around, but will stick to certain principles at the extremes (i.e. the kiss). Overall a good person and a good soul, but completely directionless. Life is like her favorite movie to watch. She watches it but never directs it.

Also, Sophia's reaction to the kiss attempt was pretty hilarious considering she had no context to it at all. "YOU TRY TO TAKE ANDREI'S GIRL? WHAT THE FUCK?"
I just realized I forgot to show you Christine's email lol
I'm also sorry. What I did was obviously hugely disrespectful. I think you understand my motivation, but it was still a pretty extreme method. I don't think my drunk mind has any boundaries.

Dude, did you change my name in your phone or something? Science has no boundaries.
Your deductions on the subject of Kidd are hugely accurate. Entirely so in fact. And yes, I do still want to see that email.

You did seem pretty glib about it. I think some part of me finally understands "I just wanted to see what would happen."
Oh also I keep forgetting to ask - why the fuck was my kebab in a hot dog roll?

I got the same shit and I was not amused. Caesar must have run out of pita - a first.

I was so confused. I snuck into an empty train car and had an entire 5 seat handicapped section to myself. I laid out my food like a 5 course meal and as I unwrapped the glorious dinner, I was met with a goddamn fucking hot dog roll.
Also - was the Kidd abused when she was younger? 

The empty car all to yourself sounds awesome. Kidd's parents didn't know how to take care of themselves much less kids, her biological father kidnapped her after the divorce when she was three, then her mother got her back and moved to jersey for 2 years (child abuse), so her mother was extremely controlling and for a while she went to live with her father who had a wife that would beat her with wire hangers and drag her around by the hair, and when her bio mother had another child from a different man, the mother began entirely neglecting Jessica, up to the fact that she stopped paying for her undergrad program. Of and her mother's husband was an abusive alcoholic who would beat everyone. And she was raped by. 20 year old when she was 13 in the woods and her mom and stepfather refused to believe her. And I think all the shit together led to a chain of self destructive behavior after which she got herself a psychiatrist and that seems to be helping a bit. To more concisely answer your question: yes. What do you deduce from all this, doctor?

Damn. The reason I asked this is because the most fascinating aspect of the Kidd is how her facade is reversed. Instead of being outwardly strong, she's outwardly weak to hide a stronger version of herself that exists in there somewhere. So the reason I asked is that I realized an abusive past could actually have trained her to be ashamed of, or afraid to show, strength. She thinks if she displays her own will or acts on her own, she will be punished for it. That's why the only way to get a 'real' reaction from her is to do something that puts her in a corner, when the facade becomes impractical. Typically people project a strong image to hide weakness, but she actually does the opposite. She's ashamed of strength.

It's interesting that you mention that - I hadn't processed it to the extend you have but I do know that she acts childish in uncomfortable situations, has no direction until forced, and essentially acts like an opossum where she will take no action, lie low, and lock up in her dead state when waters get choppy. So I'm trying to recondition her in the functional sense. This involves giving her small and simple tasks or chores on a daily basis, balancing out those which are beneficial to her and the home or me more broadly, and making sure to offer reinforcers through appreciation and treats (e.g. thanks for cleaning up now I don't have to spend my evening doing it, let's go play laser tag or whatnot). Anyway I'm hoping the fact that doing shit and talking straight moves her along and is reinforced will eventually help her to find a new architecture along which to operate.

Definitely a complex character. However, treating her like a dog isn't necessarily gonna help. Jumping from one learned set of behaviors to another is just horizontal movement.

I see what you mean, but I feel like I need to make her operational before I can help her to grow

True. Instead of running into a wall, make her run in circles. Then down tunnels. Then ultimately exit the cave.