Being Dumb

Smart is a star student, flawlessly dotting i's and crossing t's. Arriving well-prepared and executing tasks with machinic precision, smart has studied its history and is ready to wrestle with the canon. Cultivating circumscription, smart's eyes never leave the prize. Smart is an over-achieving athlete, accomplishing things that mere mortals can only dream of. Complex and deep, exclusive and elite, smart brims with value. Having sweated for what it's accomplished, smart pays a handsome dividend to those invested. Smart moves ever-forward. But by playing a high stakes game, smart is always paranoid that it might lose hard-won ground. Smart is always looking over its shoulder. Success or failure, win or lose, smart trades in binaries. Smart is exhausting—and exhausted.

I am dumb. Dumb is an ill-prepared slacker, riding on hunches and intuition. Willfully amnesiac—History, what's that?—dumb is a tabula rasa, full of emptiness. Caring little for progress or narrative, dumb moves laterally, occasionally spiraling back in on itself. Dumb loves easy. Eschewing climaxes and crescendos, dumb favors stasis, grids, and predictable systems simply because they require less effort. Similarly, dumb favors re—recontextualization, reframing, redoing, remixing, recycling—rather than having to go through the effort of creating something from scratch. Dumb embraces the messiness of contradiction and revels in the beauty of the ridiculously obvious. Trading on the mundane and common, dumb plays a low-stakes game. Since dumb has nothing to lose, dumb owes nothing to anyone, and in that way it is free.

On Smoking and Hangovers

"In order to ward off the hangover, Rohsenow suggested to HealthDay to drink lots of water and take a painkiller with aspirin or ibuprofen, but not acetaminophen (Tylenol), because it can cause liver damage when combined with alcohol. Drinking more to keep the hangover at bay, however, hasn't been studied, and seems counterintuitive, she pointed out."

—Yes, Science Lady, it seems counterintuitive unless you've actually ever done it, in which case it is sometimes the difference between life and death (or, at least, moaning on the couch or doing somewhat more ambulatory moaning). In any event, this article is about how college students (and, presumably, those of us who are older or less educated) "who enjoy cigarettes during a night of heavy alcohol consumption are at a greater risk of having a hangover the next morning compared to students who skip the cigarette." Researchers are not sure why this should be the case, but the simple answer is that it is because cigarettes are awesome and alcohol is awesome and when you combine two awesome experiences you offend the universe with your joy so it does what it can to see you suffer. And that is why smokers get worse hangovers.

The Cackler

Rotund old cackling lesbian at work:

The great thing about dieting, is you can start as many times as you want; like when I quit smoking. Khhhhhhh!!

Retards Tour America Part 1

If anybody asks, we went to Virginia with a guitar and two steak knives, and everybody there hates us.

On the concierge insisting a visitors' form be filled out:

Yeah, when I stayed here during Hurricane Sandy, I always saw Mami filling out these very colorful forms, but I just thought she liked to write or some shit.

On outings:

...when we went to dinner for Piglet's birthday, it was me, Sailor, Pirate, and other retards...

On seeing a current photo of Miley Cyrus::

Oh, it turns out that Miley Cyrus is only 20 - next year she will most likely stop singing. You know, she has changed a lot since Hannah Montana. Back then she was just a sweet, young girl; and I would've fucked the shit out of her.

Uh...how old was she back then?

14.

On life:

I had a seven-figure accident. Now I am the terminator.

On drinking:

That guy looks like a regular; he said two of these drinks give him a headache in the morning. Let's come back here at 1:30 and order four more.

On the past:

I used to go to New York, back when I drove a truck. I once bought 800 dollars' of heroin in Alphabet City. And now I got Hep C.

On shopping for cigarettes at Walmart:

And how many cartons would you like, sir?

All of them. 

Key accomplishments:

• Seeing a white person
• Stealing a bible
• Shoveling sliders
• Spotting a SWAG shirt worn by a swag man
• Being questioned by cops
• Getting raped by dogs
• Exceeding a bar's 6-drink maximum before 12:30pm. On a Sunday
• Climbing trees
• Racking up a $420 tab in 2 hours
• Eating live animals
• Being recognized by half of Norfolk
• Hanging out in a cemetery
• Walking a Taylor into the ocean
• Being asked where we bartend