February 26, 2013

Tull's Dream

Tonight I had a dream that the two of us bumped into Darder's boyfriend at Fu and took him down to the pool room for interrogation. As I was threatening him with the 8 ball, Rene walked past us and the boyfriend asked him to help. In response, Rene giggled and said, "Don't worry, they do it all the time."

-Tull

February 20, 2013

Happiness

"You find it offensive? I find it funny. That's why I'm happier than you are"

-Overheard at Fu

February 18, 2013

February 14, 2013

Retards or Something Like It - 2 (HFA)

It was a cold snowless night. I took another sip of my drink only to realize that I could not escape, that he would still be there. I shifted a few inches uncomfortably. Tony was still there, sprawled on the floor, 11 additional holes in his face, a small and dull knife buried deep into the twelfth one.

My keys were chained to the knife. I watched blood oozing out of him as I retrieved the knife, and I felt like I was late. A slow flick. A deep cut materialized in his neck and the remainder of his blood gushes out to make the floor sticky and flamboyantly red.

As I wipe my knife, I pay no heed. I smoke my cigarette observing a homeless individual get driven over by a guy in a Corvette. Blood and intestines everywhere. I applaud briefly before going in.

Downstairs, the game of pool is on, the strange persona wearing a leather jacket, glasses, and an unavoidable smell of Stolichnaya keeps explaining how blood looks more impressive on a white rug. As I listen to these completely terrifying stories I inch closer to the corner.

She is there. I put my badge away as it makes me feel self-conscious. She struggles but still ends up on the table, face forward. As I lift the gun, I do not hesitate. A brief flash. The room covered in red and white. I feel like a drink.

Retards or Something Like It - 1 (Cufflinks)

'Shots, bitch!'

The words rang out in of a visceral proclamation of dominance. Before he could spot the culprit, a disheveled man in glasses and a leather jacket, one elbow leaned on the alcohol-stained bar, carefully slid a shot glass of clear liquid before him.

-You know, I got so drunk here once... The next morning I felt like I was on LSD.
-Wh-what? Thank you. I'm sorry do I know you?

Tony looked at his watch. 1:30. By now the leftovers from dinner his wife had neatly placed in the fridge were as cold as a bloated corpse at the bottom of the East River. 'Oh what the hell,' he said to himself as he reached for the overflowing glass.

The somber individual to his left did not so much as flinch when he reached to clink glasses. A shaved head, oversized gold ring, and the sheer voracity with which the man emptied drink after drink told him that this was not someone he would care to run into on a dark street one night.

Without further ado, Tony raised the shot to his lips and emptied it. 'What a shithole,' he thought, and raised his hand for another.

February 11, 2013

Long-Term Relationship Barbie

Barbie wanted a knight in shining armor and vacations in the Maldives (her daddy lived in Greenwich). Ken wanted a lady on his arm and a whore in the sack (he grew up in the Bronx). Now Barbie has a perm and shops at Burlington Coat Factory the day after Christmas. Ken starts his day off with "this coffee tastes like shit" and ends it with a silent dinner. When they fight, she stays at her alcoholic mothers' and he masturbates to photos of ex-girlfriends. One night they'll die of carbon monoxide poisoning and nobody will volunteer a eulogy.

February 6, 2013

Shitmakers

Doodle: I think that aside from Professor she is the only shitmaker who has contacted me outside the holes.
HFA: She was blowing bubbles at me so I hit her in the nipple with the screw-on Scooby Doo head from said bottle. Perhaps she wanted you to support my efforts and hit her in the other nipple.

Upgrade

Doodle: I finally got a phone that has more than 16 buttons.
HFA: Oh god. Is it a rotary one?