Silent Generation Humor

Old man at the bar: "Know the funniest thing I've heard all year? Black lives matter! HAHAHAHA."

Hipster Hugs and Kisses

XO - Chi Omega - is a women's fraternity, much how Bruce Jenner is a female man. It doesn't have to make sense.

Dogface to me: Are you here with anyone?
Dogface's boyfriend: No, he's the first man in your sorority.
Me: I told them I felt like a woman that day.
Dogface to boyfriend: Go get me another drink.

Grandma: I'm thirty-eight and I'm a Vice President, I know a thing or two you don't.
Me: I'm a Vice President too.
Grandma: I'm ten years older than you.
Me: No you're not.
Grandma: Why thank you.
Me: That's not what I meant.

Me: Gin, tonic and grapefruit, pint size.
Barmaid: That sounds a lot like a greyhound.
Me: Yes but I call it a shit.

Dungeon Quotes

"I'm going to get beer with F who wore red lipstick to impress the new CEO but instead succeeded in having an overweight aging Hasid tell her he likes Asian girls before asking if she wants to go eat French food." - R

"Used to have a shotgun under my desk, now all I have is this cockroach." - V

"Look, another fake million dollar transaction. Guess we're all going to jail." - M

A: You Hasidic Jews are all racist.
E: We're not racist, we're just scared of black people.
A: Why are you scared of black people?
E: Well you know how some people are scared of dogs...

Happy Hour Rap

Ain't never comin back mothafuckas,

Stayin in this bar for life.

Don't give me any sense of enjoyment,

'Least won't have to deal with life.

Corporate party,

Oilers game,

Barbacks and the owner know my name.

Feelin like a cigarette, don't wanna brave the cold,

Ordering round three of the same.

Coors light,

Jamo,

Buybacks every second drink,

Dude in a sweater vest slobberin' like retard,

Fucker's BO really stinks.

New Employee

Manager speaking to new employee about his first project: ...Okay, this is easy once you figure out how to do it.

New employee begins laughing, looks my way past his manager: Ёбаный в рот...куда я попал?

PD Small Talk

"I don't want to be in the circus." - Caesar, whining

"If I don't get no drugs and no pussy, I'm going home to eat." - Will, sober

Election Day

"Julia commanded her cats to pray for Trump. The sphinx and the squirrel complied, but the fat one's a Hillary supporter." -MC

HFA vs. SAM

I downed two cape codders that had a splash of cran in them, made fun of all three lactating mothers and a Chinese guy who is 38. Then I sneezed everywhere, said I was sick and left. 

Ukrainian Church

Today's people are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

-HFA

A Meeting of Minds

Scene I: you and I stand by a water cooler, you stirring a coffee with no cream for longer than necessary, me pouring coffee out and pouring gin in.

You: haha everyone thinks we're sleeping together but we're not, Dallas is stupid people are crazy

Scene II: we're getting Starbucks coffee, you're paying, I'm winking at barista with ear gauges telling him to "hook me up with the good stuff"

You: that was some good sex

Credits roll

The Booze is Out There

Open scene: I'm (played by Duchovny, who else...I guess Hopkins could work) sitting on a bar stool, you see me from behind, hunched. The lighting is perfect. Profile close-up, Clint Eastwood as Clint Eastwood comes into focus as he leans forward from behind my head and asks a gruff, manly, but friendly icebreaker question. I begin turning my head...BAM an unidentifiable man in a cowboy hat with really curly edges stumbles into him knocking the renowned actor and expert bar conversationalist off his stool, killing him instantly. Nobody notices. "Hey blargh you will be SORELY missed walk me home there's cops." Pan wide shot from behind the bar, I turn my head to the man at my other side, still nonplussed. "The CATS are BROOOWN!!" Shrieks the derelict bastard at no one in particular, shaking with Parkinson's, spilling part of the well bourbon he pours into his other well bourbon.

Cut to the X-Files-style intro featuring stills of me drinking different booze in different bars with different lighting and snippets of drink specials from shitty chalkboards translucently floating across the screen as you see me flashing my license to a bouncer then extracting a credit card, then slamming said card on the CT bar as Misha simultaneously slams a dirty dusty on bar...duh duh duh BAM! THE BOOZE IS OUT THERE!

Alice Goes Camping

As told by the Russian-

I know you said you've gone camping but I think that actually meant you were once on a back yard patio deck. Here's how I imagine it would go down: first things first - you burn to a crisp, your color is so bright that aliens finally take note of our planet and pulverize the White House then proceed to mistake me for Fox Mulder, mixing genres where genres aren't to be mixed; once under the cover of foliage you encounter a knotty slope on which you trip and fly headfirst into the only big rock in the forest; at this point your single collarbone has become three from the half gallon of water in your backpack; resting for a moment, a squirrel comes up and greets you, the squirrel is friendly and you feed it some crumbs and the squirrel lets you pet it before scampering off to leave you with the realization that you are deathly allergic to squirrels and now need a tracheotomy; as night falls you breathe a sigh of relief as it seems your troubles have come to an end, but are immediately covered by every mosquito in a kilometer radius; the campfire keeps the mosquitoes away but you cannot approach it as it is already giving you your second sunburn from outside the wall of your tent; in the morning you realize nobody brought coffee so you give a young deer such a look of disdain that it bursts into flames. The one photo from the excursion is a 3/4 selfie with half a face covered by hair and three Instagram filters and a hashtag. #latergram

Notes from Peter Dillon's

B. Andre: I looooove balls in hand

B. Andre, intoxicated, being guided into a cab by HFA: Stop robbing me you cocksucker!

Presumably unclean walrus lady: I used to have a bathtub and I used to take baths in it to clean it.

Barman Greg: I like to think I block out the karaoke but by the end of the night I'm ready to kill someone.

Climbing Trader

"Having a fridge fall on top of me was the highlight of the night. Time for a drink." - HFA

Redneck at Tavern

-I got a Ford Escort, '94, I need some new sparkeys.

-You mean spark plugs?

-Yeah but it's more funner to say 'sparkeys'

Construction Chris Apologizes to Waitress

"I'm sorry I stabbed you in your twat."

Apocalypse CT

Waitress: What's your apocalypse plan?

Tavern Patron: My apocalypse plan is I'm gonna die. And I might as well take some of y'all with me...because I'm a Christian, and I know where I'm goin' when I die - I'm goin' to hell.

...

TP: I was retarded when I was a kid...I'm like a retard who knows math...then I met some knuckleheads...they were good good people but they wouldn't let you smoke in the house...ZOLOFT up in Oak Cliff...I got my driver's license a year early...she divorced me on the day I got my sentence and I give her props because she could've divorced me much much earlier...tighter than fish pussy...ill cut your throat as soon as I see ya and I won't piss and shit on myself after I do it...I'm quick to stab anybody, to shoot anybody...I catch you drinkin' a beer, eatin' some chicken wings, and I'll slit your throat...you could be a two headed four hundred pound bulldog but if you go home with me then God bless ya.

Heard at the Bar #6

"I'd rather have an ulcer than a child. At least those go away." - Cat Sunglasses Lady

Courtney at Tavern

"I have a brother, we're not twins, but we're both half retarded" - Courtney

Stephan Dad

Waitress on the phone: "Dad, you haven't dated a woman your age since mom."

Running

Shoe salesman: So...you don't like running?

Fat man: Look at me!!

(Whiskey proceeds to come out of Waitress's nose)

Republic

"We're re-creating Plato's Republic at Tavern. With Dusties." - Russian

Myers gems, first and last

"Hilary Clinton is where erections go to die." -Myers

"She works with catholic charities and retarded people which is why I think she can put up with me naked...I'm going to dip my dick in molten plastic before I fuck her." -Myers

"This chick ran a half marathon before our first date...I can run a 1/16th marathon, I'll walk to the bar." -Myers

"Phil's Birthday" - by HFA

How I celebrated my birthday:

At 4:35am I spent five minutes outside HFA's door trying to fit a key into keyhole. Once inside I slammed myself into the closet door, dislodging it, and grunted for a bit inside. Then I threw my burger and fries onto the floor, one shoe into the kitchen, another one into the room, lay down and proceeded to eat fries off the floor for a good five minutes. After that I slammed myself into the desk then coffee table, and buried myself between couch pillows. After napping for a few minutes I started yelling in French hysterically. When I woke I was still drunk. 

Cafe Brazil

Juan Martinez

Girl: "I'd like a bourbon...and a shot of tequila...and..."

Juan: "...and one Martinez!"

Cheerleader Convention

"You know what I love about all the 13 year olds walking all over downtown?"

A silence ensues.

"Their MOTHERS."

- Jeff

V-Day Activities

Unchecked remain viable.