Good Question

That is a good question that I am unable to answer right. Some other good ones are: who was the brunette that claimed to know me and came to rebel, why did Rene offer to swap girlfriends with me, and how did my face materialize between Sarahs boobs.

(projected) Conversations...with non-HFA

(The following takes place over instant messaging software at 6:45am on the last Friday of 2011.)

Non-HFA: hiiiiiii!!!
Non-HFA: happy friday!!!
Non-HFA: so excited
Non-HFA: about to eat a potato cookie!
HFA: hiya, morning, TGIF
Non-HFA: you never texted me last night d1ck
HFA: Dearest non-HFA, while I am most assuredly here for the sole purpose of entertaining you and boosting your self-esteem, last night I might have decided that you are an emotional terrorist.
Non-HFA: hahhahhaaahaa
Non-HFA: d1ck
HFA: Let me elaborate further on this point. When a fine individual like myself leaves work three hours before you, consumes a fair amount of alcohol at an upscale drinking establishment, then informs you that despite you making plans to hang out on that night - the plans that you have most obviously totally forgotten about, he will not be able to honor them since he has only had a few winks of sleep that night, your response should not be "cant you wiat 30 mins? hug, smoke." Furthermore, when a fine individual like myself waits for half an hour, shoving Red Bulls down his throat simply to stay awake, meets you, provides a hug, a cigarette and walks with you to the subway station, with the sole intention of going home, your offer should not be "I know you are going to whiskey bar, so just take the subway with me." Further to that, when a fine individual like myself, half-frozen to death, in a jacket that is clearly not meant to be worn when it is below 32 degrees outside and the winds move trashcans, texts you "I was cold before, but seeing you always warms my heart" your reply should not be "so cold cnt find this palce" That behavior, my dearest, is what I call emotional terrorism.

(projected) Conversations...with HFA

(The following takes place over a couple of drinks of Tanqueray and grapefruit juices at 2:32 pm on the last Friday of 2011. Jim is bartending.)


HFA1 (to HFA2): Why, you look preposterously fine today, sir. That woolen coat befits you quite well. I have only now realized the fallacy of my actions. You see Anya is working here tonight and since she is Tanya's roommate, having the Colombian join us and kiss me passionately at this upscale drinking establishment might diminish the chances of me having sexual intercourse with Tanya. I do, however, have a strategic plan that quite possibly will alleviate this problem. Enter you, sir - my friend. Fresh out of a two year relationship that you thought would lead to marriage, children, a dog, and a house with a white-picketed fence, but instead led to a harrowing break-up, you have come to New York to collect your thoughts and recover emotionally. On the outside you may seem like a perfectly normal individual - fun, smiling, sociable and alert. On the inside you an emotional wreck, depressed, sleep-deprived, with no appetite for food and a proclivity to cut yourself occasionally. Colombian, while I most certainly adore you and would, at one point, want to tie the knot, tonight I ask that we act simply as friends. Kissing me or grabbing my genitalia would most definitely send my friend over the edge, and I do not want to find him in the restroom, slouched in a stall, in a pool of blood and steak knife deep in his face. I have come up with a list of items that you may, at your discretion, exercise: giving me a hug that lasts less than three seconds, giving me a peck on the cheek, briefly rubbing my shoulder blades in a gesture of friendly affection and comfort (I will provide a stool for you to hop on in case you cannot reach), bowing to me, shining my shoes, and lighting my cigarettes. On behalf of my friend and myself, I thank you for understanding and support. Yours truly, HFA1.

HFA2 (to Jim): Two shots of Johnnie Black, please.

Jim (placing the shots gingerly): On the house.

Snippets, from a trip to the big city

Get ready. We aren't making it to 2012.

A true HFA will never die sober.

I hope you left your glock at home.

Once I texted "where you at bitch" to my dad.

She is probably overdue for a harakiri.

V's Story 2

"so basically V went for lunch at 11 last thursday, came back at 2, his manager is asking him  - where you been dude. his reponse - YOU DONT ASK ME WHERE I BEEN YOU FUCK. naturally, he got canned."

Bathtub Perplexion

Tull:
"sir, your text at 0:35 chicago time read "dude i am fucking perplexed as shot you will need to ask me why later because i will forget to tell you" putting the lack of punctuation aside, what is it?
my first thought was that you finally decided to sleep in your bathtub and was perplexed as to how to fit yourself in that fucking 4feet long space "

Laundry Day

courtesy of Professor Tull

im sitting there pounding gin/grapefruits (from now on - yellow shits), this chick comes up to me with a "hey, im doing scavenger hunt and i need to get a cigarette from a stranger" so i give her a cigarette, and she returns back with a blonde blue eyed (but not that pretty girl) which she introduces to me as "hey, this is maria, her husband is downstairs" then she heads off to steal a business card off of someone, and me and maria chat for a bit, pound a few shots, thumb wrestle, turns out she lives like 3 blocks away from me. anyway she goes back downstairs, katya brings us a round of shots on the house, so i haul maria back up, we talk some more, she gives me a hug and goes back downstairs, and THEN the realization hits me again
i needed to do my laundry
and you know what, sir? i succeeded
and in case you are wondering the point of the story was to prove that sometimes i actually do do it

English Lesson

Tull:

actually it might make sense in this situation depending on the context
so for example, if they are going drinking with you, touche would be completely appropriate
because most likely they will end up in a ditch with a poolstick in their ass

V's Story

"brother, i was 3 years old, you know, 3 years old, my father left, i was 3 years old, and he left, he went to america when i was 3 years old, said he will come next year every year, i was 3 years old, he comes back 15 years later, i was 3 when he left, 18 when i came back, so im 18 and he throws a green card in my face, brother, can you believe that"

Utmost Importance

Tull:

this is fucking ridiculous. there is something of utmost importance that i keep forgetting to tell you, and as i was walking from the station i recalled it again, then promptly forgot.

but in any case...

i turn up at fu at 8 and make small talk with that japanese dude who is in love with olga, and as im clutching my pink shit glass trying to restrain myself from stabbing himself in the face with a straw scotty comes by and goes - dont make anyone cry tonight. then it hits me and i notice the slot machine, and obviosly she decides to come by, grab my hand and tell me - have you noticed anything different? no? my boobs are Ds now! at that point the night starts going to shit because i start pounding drinks frantically, and finally use mr kelly to drive me to brother jimmys while slapping slot machine's only arm. fast forward a few hours, im back at fu, in maria section, and the german goes - so seeeeeth, do you know who was here earliiiiiiier? so i grab a corona, do a facepalm and head downstairs to watch the most pathetic pool game of my life

and that was my fucking fantastic night

Pteradactyl's Dream

"So basically, to sum it up, I had this random dream where you were a hillbilly yet we were in a bar that refused to serve wild turkey and the entire bar would warp time and space by shoving other patrons into me."

Tull in Texas

"When I think of you and me being classy I think of us in tuxedoes, playing pool at the dive bar"

Caps

Alpha: they have all caps
XZ: what the hell is caps
Alpha: capachino

Previously on "Calming down rude customers"

Tull:
1) A Hispanic bouncer at Trader applies a bar stool directly to the customer's skill. Bouncer gets fired.
2) A Hispanic barmaid at Rebel pepper sprays a customer in the restroom. Barmaid does not get fired.
Does this not look a bit sexist to you?

Noises

Manager swivels around in his chair, eerily smiling, "I heard some good sex in the hotel last night."

Like A Douche In The Night, Part 2

As told by Sethro Tull, a comedy in three acts.

Characters:

Doodle - 7 feet tall HFA with affinity for anything compact and Asian

Mami - a psychotic Colombian that has 50 farmers

Hatchet - a 5 feet tall Dominican with a.. hatchet on her nightstand

Nuclear Scientist - a bleached blonde barmaid/waitress whose level of intellect rivals that of a doorstop.. on her best days

Sethro - a fucking evil psychopath and an HFA

Act 1: The Hatchet

I get out of work at 4:30 and pound a few vodka cranberries at snafu to kill the headache, then walk a few blocks to meet up with the hatchet. We jump into a cab and head down to a fancy wine bar in meatpacking. The hatchet proceeds to be a snob and taste and turn down 2 bottles of wine before settling on something. We sip our wines and make idle talk. Some of the stories that the hatchet shared were:

1) I have 12 cousins, 14 aunts/uncles, so there are 31 people in total (the math skills of this very smart individual with engineering and math background are astounding)

2) I entered a horse competion in DR once, ran the horse to hot, then we had to cross the river, and the horse tripped. I really wanted to win, so i kicked the horse in the head, repeatedly, until it died. I was upset i lost.

3) Oh and by the way I have herpes in my right eye. Don't worry it's no longer contagious.

4) I loved this boy for 8 years, but never told him. he always slept in my bed, while i was doing his homework for him. (this is the third time im seeing the hatchet, and the 4th time im hearing the story)

After finishing our wines we had to some shady bar further down, where she spends about 15 minutes talking in spanish to a barback. At least my first beer was free. Turns out the hatchet used to waitress here and racked in $5000 a night in tips... doing what again? At this point she decides to show me her entire photo album on facebook and explain each photo in great detail.. all 258 of them.

I cry inside.

Act 2: The Nuclear Scientist

We cab it up to Rebel and pound some coronas with random drunken individuals. Enter the nuclear scientist, and the conversation begins:

NS: you are late! i bought a chocolate, but i ate it all

Me: aw, that is so sweet of you

NS: lets do some shots!

Me: fire away

NS: im so drunk right now. you need to help me find a job when i get fired because im so drunk.

We pound some shots. Then I get back to making out with the hatchet.

2 texts come in at the same time, doodle and mami: "priests and patron at fu". my response is "wtf? get your asses to rebel and tell me all about it"

We pound some more beers and shots, and make out some more.

Doodle and mami arrive and yell at the top of the lungs "WHERE IS THE HATCHET?" while the hatchet stands a foot away with a very confused look on her face. introductions are made, we head in, and pound some more shots.

Enter the nuclear scientist again, wailing: "how could you?! we were supposed to go to the movies together?! i spent a month building up my courage to talk to you!" then she walks away, makes out with half a dozen of random people at the bar, then suggests doodle heads home with her.

All at the same time on my other side the hatchet is paraphrasing the songs to Aerosmith's I dont want to miss a thing: come home with me, i dont want sex, i just want to sleep with you, i want you to hold me, and be close to me.. Finally, i give up and tell her to get the fuck out. she tells me she never wants to see me again, and leaves. Fast forward 5 minutes, and somebody hubs me from behind. The hatchet is back.. "no cabbie would take me. come to the train station with me", then proceeds with Aerosmith again.

I go for a smoke with nuclear scientist. Tears in her eyes, she repeats her earlier nonsense about waiting a month to talk to me, and how she's not going to the zoo with me (note that previously she said movies, while in fact the original plan devised when she was sober was the Pompei exhibition)

We stumble out and convince the hatchet to get the fuck out. she repeats her threat about never wanting to see me again.

Act 3: Two russian guys and a spanish girl walk into a bar..

We cab to snafu, because at 1am that's the most obvious thing to do.

We pound beers, and play pool. I try to convince mami to tell us the story about 50 farmers, which inevitably always leads to shit being throw out of mami's bag and/or uncontrollable crying.

Then we head out and get our chickens over rice. i smoke, mami sits on something that looks like a broken urinal, and doodle gets harassed by a homeless individual. Then we split, i head home, and pound a few beers while shoving delicious rice and chiken down my throat.

Like a Douche in The Night, Part 3

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Wall Street Protests

CNBC Reporter, on the jobless status of most protesters: "You know, I'm standing on Wall Street right now, and I don't see any protesters... If they haven't even managed to find Wall Street, how will they ever manage to find jobs?"

Poor Zoran

Tull: Bumped into zoran. He looks like Solzhenitsyn and smells like shit marinated in piss for years. I couldn't stop gagging in front of him.

Explosive Banking

Fin: This email I just sent this banker - it's going to blow. Her. Mind....With rates derivatives.

A Single Man's Guide

Tull: I have figured out a perfect way to pick up chicks, and it goes something like this...

• Befriend an ex-drug dealer at a random shitty bar
• Ensure that he has a corvette
• Pound shots with him continuously
• Randomly dtop by the said shitty bar when he is eating a steak with a very drunk irish blonde
• Grab a steak knife, admire it verbally, then wave it around frantically
• Done

Rogue Finance

Tull: next thing I know there will be an article in WSJ titled "HFA turned rogue trader - how one man brought the firm down to its knees."

Uneventful

Tull: I however have no intentions of breaking silence. Outside of random abortions, my life has been surprisingly drama-free.

She Looks Like

Tull sends a photo.

Me: Dude she looks like she really needs a drink, and you look like you just had her drink.

Tull: No. She looks like she needs to get fucked, and I look like I need to impale someone.

Mazz Quotes

Arnold (on pool): You beat me like I was a red-headed stepchild

On the Afterlife

Tull: I know there is a special place in hell for me. It's like, heller than hell

Nuclear Scientist

Me: ...and then you'll pound the shit outta her? i seriously think you should, just because it would be hilarious
Tull: i pity the fool though. and she won't keep her mouth shut
Me: what are you, mr. t? of course she won't
Tull: and that's a problem
Me: ergo it'll be hilarious
Tull: because i want to marry rita. and have 7 kids with her, 4 girls, 2 boys, and 1 it. and it like this

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNnStV-oBr-5nDRintKKUcoTW1nI5RBw9UpfrxpwehBUkY2KFGff-K8lea12d-A6pdLwAJ02vAT3aUiCodU94O7cPDs6ptBCU2ujpApMhZKQxqIIIUuw7CYC4pJ-rsRAgXogyTjTfT5V4/s1600/itt-03.jpg

PhilosoALPHA

"you will never get me because I'm a very complex individual who changes her mind hourly"

New Joke

Two Russian guys and a Spanish girl walk into a bar...
- Derek

On Timing

"Your definition of now can only be found in a woman's dictionary." - Tull

Rebel Musings

"There is nothing better than a girl covered in beer" - Tull

The Job, as Described by Pterodactyl

Go to the secretary

"TELL JOHN I NEED A MEETING WITH HIM ASAP TO MAKE HIS BONERS LAST LONGER"

That’ll get you buy-in

He’ll get that summary

"Russ wants to fix your boners"

HOLY SHIT MARY I'M IN

Then you go

"Now John, what I need from you is a firm promise to take these pills at every meal"

"THANKS FOR BEING SO ON TOP OF THINGS RUSS"

Then the other MDs start fighting

"I want my boners to be fixed first!"

So you say

"Well guys I got a meeting at 10 but by this time next week I should have enough pills to pass around for all your boners. Now Alice, what I need from you is a list of the blood types of all the men here. I also need you to send me that list then not bother coming next week since you can't get a boner."

To which she replies "Thanks Russ! I'm helping my company and you're even limiting my work to what's required so I can focus the rest of my energy on other matters."

Man

I really learned a lot from you

I know how to set up my next big meeting

I like to think of it as an ironically accurate analogy between what you described me and what's really going on

In an obvious effort to point out how stupid all this bullshit is

FIX MY BONER FIRST RUSS

Then word spreads

Russ is the boner fixer!

Then all those 200 bankers you know come hounding for a boner fix

You go up to your manager at your midyear

"I fixed 300 boners in record time"

"HOLY FUCK RUSS THAT'S ASSOCIATE MATERIAL GIVE THIS MAN A MIDYEAR BONUS"

Then they extend the budget to fund your growing boner demand

You start allocating funds for different types of boners and draw up plans to create the most elaborate boners ever

Send off emails

Ok Mark, you're making the financial advisory boner. It will run on the iPad and simulate a boner that predicts stock prices.

Steve, you're making the production readiness boner. It will serve to collect all information about new boners going into production and will force developers to properly test their boners and provide the right boner signoff before deploying.

Before you know it, you're the central contact for boners

They set up a new email distribution list

IB Boners Russ Directs

For all your direct subordinates

All the while the MD you had the original meeting with is still using his boner and can't get enough of it

He had to hire 2 secretaries to handle the boner demand

It’s just chaos

Your boners are eventually deployed firm wide to all iPads and even employees in Japan see your boner on their screen

It’s quite a solid idea

Not to mention all the savings

These boners saved the company 15% annually

Now they can invest those savings in boner development

To further increase savings

Yeah dude

That’s the nature of the boner

It’s quite innovative

And look at all the money you saved

The company got to lay off 3 teams and just add 2 employees to the boner team

Since your boner encompassed theirs and rendered it obsolete

Retard Coffin

The Babe: "I'M SO SICK OF BEING IN A FUCKING CONVERSATIONAL INFINITE LOOP WITH YOU IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M IN A RETARD COFFIN"

Musings of the Maz

"I don't wanna have to split my candy bar with you! If I bought a Snickers why should I give it to you? And that's why I am against marriage."

Ka-Ching: On the Obese

"Looking ugly is a negative externality. People should be considerate."

Slicemaster's Words of Wisdom

"I have an idea, let's just kill someone. A little bit. Then we'll have a dead brother too."

"Every time I see her tits, I just wanna cut them off."

"Every time I see Olga handle the kitchen knife, I'm like, "Good god, can I marry you."

"When I get to VP I'm gonna have my business card say I work in murders and executions."

"You know what is disturbing? I used to own precisely 7 pairs of socks, and each pair was always matching... Now I own like 20 pairs, and I swear not a single pair matches."

Things I Do Not Like

Arm-wrestling stories, told by drunk Polish men.

Yandex

In its prospectus, Yandex warns investors that "well-funded, well-connected financial groups" in Russia occasionally use "economic or political influence of government connections" to take over independent companies. "Our ability to thwart such efforts may be limited," the prospectus reads.

Champagne on Ice

Tull: worked in a sense that she moved to the next guy in the bar. sucker bought a whole bottle of champagne.. should have taken a picture. eighth fucking wonder of the world - a bottle of champagne on ice at fu.

Strategic Exit

Tull: The exit was executed in an utmost brilliant way. I go outside, and I nod to the stripper. Then I urn to Mary, and I speak to her for a bit. Then I notice that the stripper is busy dry humping this champagne buying loser, so I kiss Mary on the cheek and step behind the phone booth. After that it's a clear shot to the subway.

Night Before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the Street,
all the bankers were pitching, no one was asleep.
Analysts adjusting their statements with care,
in hopes that the numbers they want would appear.

Coffee cups lay everywhere and on the floor -
elves burnt out from printing PIBs the night before.
The take outs were shut - t'was no Seamless to eat,
this all nighter looked an impossible feat.

Though our brave analyst was not one to mope,
he looked out the Aldermanbury with hope
that his crazed P.E. client would not mark his slides
and send him the changes before Yuletide.

As his thousand-row pivot table almost crashed,
our analyst thought surely Christmas hopes were dashed.
But suddenly from the mock chimney facade,
came a "thump" and "ka-ching" as there fell something large.

Stamping his boots and shaking off the snow,
stood a stern-looking Santa fresh from Savile row,
He wore a Hermes silk cravat and bright red suspenders,
(our analyst thought he had gone round the bender).

"Why the long face?" said Santa, "my boy,
have you forgot all you learnt from A. Matchett and Toy?
I have come to bring you some holiday cheer,
no models or bottles but stuff much more dear."

He rummaged inside his blue corporate sack
and pulled out a massive elaborate rack -
"This contraption can comp any business you choose
even if it only makes rubber tips of childrens' shoes."

"This silver watch - it can multiply time!
It can make your one hour of sleep feel like nine!"
Santa then leapt on the desk with a flourish,
and held out a liquid that swirled rather greenish:

"In this glass bottle a hangover cure -
drink 4 litres of scotch you'd still have room for more!
And this magic pencil when spun on this slate
will always find you the right discount rate!

This pass lets you skip to the front of the queue
when Productions is crowded and your pitchbooks are due
and to avoid CRG errors beyond the pale,
this serum increases attention to detail."

He gave a happy sigh and stroked his beard
but quickly continued as 4AM neared -
"...And last but not least, before the night is spent,
I'll cut bonus taxes by twenty percent."

Our analyst blinked back tears in disbelief
(for that very one issue had given him grief)
he felt quite inspired to make some resolutions
(although Santa warned him to have no illusions)

"I'll visit clients from Nice to Dusseldorf!
I'll price bonds and not be a basis point off!"
Santa smiled with approval and slicked back his hair
while neatly adjusting his red pocket square -

"Well, I've to start heading down to Canary Wharf,
Said I'll help prep that place so I'd better be off.
The next time you're tired or weak in the knees,
remember - This Is The Place You Need To Be."

Our analyst gratefully shook Santa's hand
for he now had great gifts and a new career plan!
With that, Santa climbed back on his sleigh with a nod
saying
"Merry Christmas - May you have more money than God!"

- Ka-Ching

Kids

High schooler to her friend at the coffee shop:
"Did your dad cheat on his previous wife with your mom?"
Make your own conclusions.

Luke

MTA: Luke! I'm not your father!

Loser

Tull: It's the person that goes out on Friday night with the sole purpose of getting absolutely fucking shitfaced. And when that person gets fully intoxicated, the person continues drinking and drinking, until the person loses the ability to talk of think rationally. It's that person that wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely destroyed and starts texting other people things like "I could not stop throwing up" or "I'm dead"
Tull: That's the loser
Alpha: Kind of harsh for a Friday
Stacks: This is about Alpha?
Tull: No, that was about some purely hypothetical person who behaves like Alpha

Bad Ideas

Alpha: so you think its a bad idea to go out with this guy again

Tull: are you seriously asking this question?

Tull: i want you to think about the major reasons why this is a horrible idea, and then report back to me

Alpha: not many bad reasons

Alpha: i mean..he is normal

Alpha: he is a lumberjack

Tull: ok, so thats a bad reason #1: he's a lumberjack

Alpha: whats wrong with that

Alpha: he is strong

Alpha: only think i got is he is upstate

Alpha: but he would come here

Tull: he would be a lumberjack in manhattan?

Happy Friday

Tull: I no longer need to pay for beer. Construction workers are fighting over who's buying me a beer first.

Tokyo Sandblaster

A Tokyo Sandblaster is a scatological activity developed by Conan O'Brien for the Conan Show. It is defined as when one person has diarrhea, they place their ass close to their partner's face while firmly pressing their butt cheeks together. They then release their bowels, effectively blasting their partner in the face with a high pressure stream of shit, forcing them to squint and as a result creating the appearance of Asian features.

Corporate Communication #3 - The Leash

Stacks: why do you need it reactivated even, if you're just gonna throw it in the corner again and forget about it?
Alpha: cuz i do need it sometimes. well when im not here 13 hrs straight
Stacks: like when you're in bumfucknowhereville blasted off your ass getting ready to gamble on the shores of the delaware river with your buds and a couple cows and a gun and just HAVE TO email your manager with a "waddup braaa ur skinny pants sukkk"

High Frequency Drinking

There's an establishment in my quaint town known as Exchange Bar & Grill. It is "NYC's first and only fully automated real time drink market," as the website boasts. The prices of drinks and food will fluctuate throughout the night with supply/demand, much like those on the NYMEX. A scrolling ticker runs over the bar keeping its patrons posted on the latest quotes.

How would high frequency trading affect this fine establishment? Would it be as uproarious as, say, Goldman's inflammatory abuse of the digital loophole? My objective is to find out. A few friends all ordering three rounds of the same beer at once should be enough to produce a noticeable impact on the market at reasonable trading volumes. The experiment will come.

Tull: "high frequency drinking... HFD - the favorite activity of HFAs"

Keg Killers

Just polished off a keg of Brooklyn with Tull at the Fu. First major accomplishment this week. It'll only get better.

Lazy Hazy Sunday Texting

Stacks: Uh oh. Dude you're doing that thing again where you're calling be "bro." A surefire indicator of inebriation. You comin in tomorrow?
Tull: Sir, you just said be instead of me which leads me to believe that you either have a retarded phone (to match the owner) or it is you who is inebriated.
-
Stacks to Guinness: Seriously though don't have babies. Just don't. That would be like the biggest party foul ever. And if either of us fouls, rule is, we go to Alpha with a hanger and two bottles of tequila. If anyone has the balls to rip a baby out of a uterus it's her.

Heard at the Bar #4

"You gotta stop sprinkling that magical fairy dust all over your dick!" - D, on seduction

The Three Rules

1. Don't ruin the bar: no exes, no muumuus, no pieces, no vomit, no juiceheads, and absolutely no Lady Gaga
2. Shit fades: that time you made out with the midget, fell off a stool, slept on the pool table, and proposed to your 6th grade girlfriend on the phone - yeah, nobody gave a damn after a week
3. If it's DTF, F it: this is self-explanatory to any moron; please use discretion

Heard at the Bar #3

D: If a tidal wave hit Miami, there'd be a thousand bodies floating tits-up from all the silicone.
-
Me: ARCH models - autoregressive co...
Czech: I'M AUTOREGRESSIVE!
-
Michelin: This guy - he's solid. He's a great guy.
Rio: Do you know him?
Michelin: Do I know him? He's like family! The Firm! We're all family.
Me: What group do you work with?
Michelin: Origination.
Me: Hat's off to you, sir.
Michelin: No, no, it's not that cool.
Me (shaking his hand, eye contact, dramatic pause): Underwriters are pimps.
Michelin (snapping to the bar): Shots!
-
Dudester1: Bro! What the fuck are you doing with my girl!
Dudester2: BRO. SHE IS NOT YOUR GIRL. SHE IS MINE AND SHE IS BRAZILIAN AND I WILL TAKE HER HOME AND FUCK HER TILL SHE SCREAMS WHILE YOU ENJOY YOUR MANGO DAIQUIRI AND YOUR MARLIN PRINT TIE AND YOUR SUB-PAR GAME. CHEERS.
-
Czech: I am the grandest man in the land!

Heard at the Bar #2

Happy hour with coworkers, at the billiards table.

Dabs, watching, in reference to a coworker, "Just off the record... I would  totally fuck her."
My partner, genuinely distraught, "Why'd you have to take it off the record, man?!"

Hail to the Chief

Another promotion. Now I'm Deputy Fire Chief. I get a blazing red hat and a safety vest and the opportunity to be the last to leave the floor in the event of an emergency.
This way, I can hedge the possibility of dying from excessive alcohol consumption with the possibility of burning to death.

Corporate Communication #2

Me: yeah dude, i'm gonna be studying a lot
Me: maybe not every night
Me: but i've gotta put pressure on myself to get this shit done
Tull: you are fucked up
Tull: you are a heartless sob
Tull: who is going to drink all those beers no longer consumed by you?
Tull: you are single-handedly destroying this economy which is already on shaky ground
(5 minutes go by)
Tull: i guess i'll have to pick up the slack

Alpha's Breakup

"Sorry, C, you are a very bright individual and you will certainly achieve greatness in the future, it's just that I'm too silly to see your true potential... I'm secretly in love with a pan-handler." - Suggestion #2 to Alpha

CFA Texting

Me: I'm having a great time alone at home with autocorrelational conditional heteroskedasticity

Tull: I never want to see any of those words again, you goddamn fuck

The DLaw Way

The DLaw way is very serious. The DLaw way is not to be trifled with. And if anybody's getting made fun of for the DLaw way, it's you - for not being the DLaw way.

Become a trader, make some money, rent a townhouse, join a band... and you'll have only seen the tip of the DLaw iceberg.

Now get ready to party. Blaze. Do a line. Send everyone you know the same text message. Ignore all responses but one involving a proximal destination. Blaze. Change your Hermes shirt, Ferragamo pants, and Gucci loafers for serious stoner threads. Beanie: check. Hipster scarf: check. Torn jeans: check. Six year old sneakers: of course! Check! Do a line. Blaze.

Arrive after 1am. Beast a G&T. Subtly deride everyone... for not being the DLaw way. Do shots, but with a crowd that is clearly inebriated. Hit the bathroom. Do a line. Beast a G&T. Alternate grinding and forcibly making out with a female.

Invite everybody to your place! Blaze. Pound a beer. Do a line. Attempt to sleep with female. Experience squishy noodle syndrome. Pull on red Flinstones PJs. Sleep to DLaw another day.

Losing Track

Finding comfort in losing track of time is an ability that both atrophies and grows more precious with age. I lose track in coffee shops, sitting by the window observing the world outside. If the company is right, the conversation light, the music subdued, and the coffee smooth, nirvana can creep up on you, unnoticed.

I'd also like to add that two grown-ass black people are throwing snowballs at my train from across the tracks. What the hell, guys.

Bankers On Top

The following story has been pre-approved by Pteradactyl:

DUDE. I talked to these dudes in the investment bank today. I spouted so much bullshit, I feel like I need to go take a shower.

They're starting a new team for intrabank efficiency, so I think they want me to handle one arm of the operation. Anyway, I said fine, I'll talk to them. DUDE. These guys are ballin like Kobe. Top floor of the building, decked out - mahogany, leather, telepresence screens wider than I am tall, computers that look like they're meant for extreme gaming.

So I'm like, "Why the huge ticker? You have traders here too?" And the dude said something about how it gives them a more credible appearance before the clients, like, and I quote, "We're ON TOP of this."

I think the offer sounds more impressive than it really is though - they usually do when someone's trying to lure you into their honeypot. Like when you've had 17 cans of PBR and that really attractive girl who wasn't attractive before is telling you about the yoga she does.

Corporate Communication #1

Tull: Yeah dude, Dreads and I shut the bar down at 4, went to the subway, then we both said, "We need another goddamn beer." So we went back, broke the door down, and chugged 3 kegs of Brooklyn Lager, and when they were out of Brooklyn - I went straight to work.

Just Like Zoran

"If he doesn't change, he's going to end up just like Zoran," the German complained. It's freezing cold, and I'd been standing outside the bar, nodding and grunting, for three and a half cigarettes. Listening to the waitress air out her boy problems had only seemed like a good idea.

I thought for a second as she continued to ramble. Poor Zoran. He was probably shitfaced in a crummy old apartment, working some tin foil into a shiny new hat as his eyes wandered mechanically over a scratched up blackboard. Meanwhile, her boy Tull was five steps away polishing up his thirteenth pint, swaying, playing with a pocket knife. I walked in and took it away.

Heard at the Bar #1

"You're not a pedophile until you get caught." - Tull

Beer Munchies

Eating a burger, inhaling fries, and siphoning Coke is no easy feat when the old man across the aisle is staring. Self-consciousness kicks in, but how can I be expected to put down my half-finished meal and wait for it to cool, grease congealing, starch hardening. Plus, I'm hungry, very hungry. Maybe they don't allow eating on trains? I think it'll be alright, look, that idiot in the other car is scarfing down a kebab and nobody's saying shit. I'll be alright, I'll be alright.

The night isn't a complete loss - I met three lesbians, two Indians, a friend, and a cougar. It feels like an accomplishment.