Heard at the Bar #4

"You gotta stop sprinkling that magical fairy dust all over your dick!" - D, on seduction

The Three Rules

1. Don't ruin the bar: no exes, no muumuus, no pieces, no vomit, no juiceheads, and absolutely no Lady Gaga
2. Shit fades: that time you made out with the midget, fell off a stool, slept on the pool table, and proposed to your 6th grade girlfriend on the phone - yeah, nobody gave a damn after a week
3. If it's DTF, F it: this is self-explanatory to any moron; please use discretion

Heard at the Bar #3

D: If a tidal wave hit Miami, there'd be a thousand bodies floating tits-up from all the silicone.
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Me: ARCH models - autoregressive co...
Czech: I'M AUTOREGRESSIVE!
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Michelin: This guy - he's solid. He's a great guy.
Rio: Do you know him?
Michelin: Do I know him? He's like family! The Firm! We're all family.
Me: What group do you work with?
Michelin: Origination.
Me: Hat's off to you, sir.
Michelin: No, no, it's not that cool.
Me (shaking his hand, eye contact, dramatic pause): Underwriters are pimps.
Michelin (snapping to the bar): Shots!
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Dudester1: Bro! What the fuck are you doing with my girl!
Dudester2: BRO. SHE IS NOT YOUR GIRL. SHE IS MINE AND SHE IS BRAZILIAN AND I WILL TAKE HER HOME AND FUCK HER TILL SHE SCREAMS WHILE YOU ENJOY YOUR MANGO DAIQUIRI AND YOUR MARLIN PRINT TIE AND YOUR SUB-PAR GAME. CHEERS.
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Czech: I am the grandest man in the land!

Heard at the Bar #2

Happy hour with coworkers, at the billiards table.

Dabs, watching, in reference to a coworker, "Just off the record... I would  totally fuck her."
My partner, genuinely distraught, "Why'd you have to take it off the record, man?!"

Hail to the Chief

Another promotion. Now I'm Deputy Fire Chief. I get a blazing red hat and a safety vest and the opportunity to be the last to leave the floor in the event of an emergency.
This way, I can hedge the possibility of dying from excessive alcohol consumption with the possibility of burning to death.

Corporate Communication #2

Me: yeah dude, i'm gonna be studying a lot
Me: maybe not every night
Me: but i've gotta put pressure on myself to get this shit done
Tull: you are fucked up
Tull: you are a heartless sob
Tull: who is going to drink all those beers no longer consumed by you?
Tull: you are single-handedly destroying this economy which is already on shaky ground
(5 minutes go by)
Tull: i guess i'll have to pick up the slack

Alpha's Breakup

"Sorry, C, you are a very bright individual and you will certainly achieve greatness in the future, it's just that I'm too silly to see your true potential... I'm secretly in love with a pan-handler." - Suggestion #2 to Alpha

CFA Texting

Me: I'm having a great time alone at home with autocorrelational conditional heteroskedasticity

Tull: I never want to see any of those words again, you goddamn fuck