salty dog salty blog: February 2012

Farce in four acts

Recurring characters:

Doodle, Mami, Sethro

Other characters:

Professor - an aspiring AirForce pilot

Zoran - an aspiring HFA

Prologue:

HFA1: "So last night I go to penguin. For one drink, and then needless to say buy water and do laundry. 2am rolls around and I realize I'm still smoking hookah and pounding a new type of shit which I will detail later. Also I am yelling in Spanish at a fat Mexican man so high on coke he should have theoretically been dead. Around 3am I finally leave and in the lobby of my building start talking with two girls. An Laotian and a Dominican. They invite me up to their apartment. The doorman makes his hand like a gun, points it at me, and winks with a smile the size of the Joker's. I follow the girls. The Laotioan's apartment is stocked with at least 12 handles of liquor and a mini fridge of beer. The centerpiece of the living room is a professional size poker table. Immediately I fall deeply in love with the individual.

As the Dominican pours me a pink shit I say 'keep going keep going I only want a splash of cranberry.' Myself and the girls proceed to pound shits, play cards, and make out. Then as I am enjoying an experimental shit, something awesome happens. It is proof that the laws of HFAing can and will overcome the laws of common physics and the time-space continuum. Let me put it this way.. cu@fu. I'm drinking my experimental shit, minding my own business, when all of a sudden some honda starts jabbing me in the shoulder saying something about a seat belt and my seat is somehow infinitely more uncomfortable that it was a second ago. I look around and have no where the hell I've been beer scootered to so I assume it's hell. Screaming baby, my legs don't fit in front of me, and on my watch it is 11:30. Then I look out the window and see the NYC skyline."

Act 1: The warm-up

I bump into Franco and we make plans for him to open a fu-clone in Toronto, where obviously I will be enjoying my beverages for free. Other random construction workers join us. I tell them stories of doodle teleporting across the country while winking at a Mongolian coatcheck girl who keeps checking out my ass. Doodle arrives and we pound our traditional Brooklyn/Black combination.

Zoran arrives and we head down to play a few awesome games of flying balls, otherwise known as pool. As Zoran leaves to hit on the professor over dinner, we come up with a perfect plan for getting in trouble down the line and call Mami.

After more games with random people, we decide to cab it to Trader. Place is packed and everyone is equally shitfaced - clientele and staff. We pound shots with every girl behind the bar, get slapped repeatedly, somehow my collar stays get stolen. We lose Mami, return to fu for more shits and pool, pick up some cor and part ways.

Act 2, Scene 1: Some yellow shits

I get to fu early and hit on the professor until doodle arrives. I text mami trying to get her out of work early, but quickly lose patience, so as soon as doodle arrives we pound a few drinks to get us started and join some random individuals for pool. Mami arrives and we quickly get her shitfaced. More pool. I decide to spank the German, she spanks me back.

We cab it to Rebel where I proceed to harass and spank Nuclear Scientist. By the grin on her face I can tell her she is enjoying it.

2am rolls around and somehow we find ourselves back at fu. There is some dancing that I am doing that I am completely unaware of, but entertains others immensely. I switch from English to HFA speak and start naming drinks properly when ordering them from Arun - "Can I get a few yellow shits?" The language is universal, so he understands me.

4am rolls around and Derek pushes everyone out the door. Doodle, mami and I congregate in the corner with our drinks. When Derek politely asks us to leave, we politely ask him to leave instead, which he does. We chain smoke in front of Arun, then professor joins us for smoke pinks shits out of plastic cups and more chain smoking.

5am rolls around and we all leave. We get it half the block down the road before doodle and myself realize that after 12 hours of drinking we were still not ready to give up. Doodle lives too far, Mami has guests staying over, I don't let psychopaths into my apartment, and professor refuses to let psychopaths into hers. We come up with a strategic plan which consisted of us rushing into Duane Reade, yelling at the staff, picking up beer and cigarettes, then dispatching professor to find us a hotel room. Third hotel actually takes us in, so we proceed to blast music, smoke in a smoke-free room and drink until 7am. Then we cuddle up in our beds and pass out.

Act 2, Scene 2: Blending in

Alarm goes off around noon, but nobody feels like getting up. So I splash some water into my face and power-walk to fu for some liquid breakfast. When doodle picks me up, professor cannot believe I was actually pounding shits that early. We cab it to some remote village on the West side and grab some human food at a restaurant where not only all of the staff was gay, but so was every client. So as not to stand out in this preposterous face, doodle puts women's sunglasses on, and I wrap a scarf around my neck. We blend in.

Around 3 we all go home, but obviously I end up at fu, where I continue pounding shits by myself and shots with Caesar, as we discuss the Knicks game.

I pass out at 5pm.

Act 3, Scene 1: Shots

I oversleep, haul myself out of the bed at 9pm and arrive at fu at 10 to be greeted by shitfaced Zoran. We pound a few shits waiting on Doodle, and cab it to Rebel for the place's 2nd anniversary. We get carded by the new bouncer, which we eventually befriend, and shake hands with about 3 other off-duty bouncers and a dozen of regulars. Go-go dancers are late and doodle and I are disgustingly sober, so I order a round of 15 shots for the three of us. It takes the shots about 5 minutes to arrive and another 30 seconds to be consumed. We are still sober so we order some Long Island iced teas, and then some dark red shits that taste as if vodka is made from some sort of vodka concentrate. Go-go dancers arrive, so we settle in for a brief ass-shaking show.

Three of us cab it to fu for some pool with a gay couple. They almost die in the barrage of flying balls, but get saved by the arrival of Liz and a girl we shall call the nerd, since apparently every item in her purse had a "nerd" stamp on it.

Act 3, Scene 2: The brilliance of our plans

1:30am rolls around and as always I come up with a brilliant plan - which for the time being I do not fully share with the group. It starts off with me harassing the german and getting the address of the last stop that we used to frequent back in the day. We try to convince a cabbie to pile in the five of us into the car. In the end we resort to take two cabs.

2am rolls around and we find ourselves pounding shits at the last stop. The nerd proceeds to yell "how cute" while showing me countless pictures of ugly cats. Zoran and doodle try to kill each other in a game of darts. I harass the barmaid trying to persuade her that I in fact know her from back in the day while obviously I have zero recollection.

4am rolls around and as we get kicked out the second and final part of my brilliant plan kicks in. I point my finger at the building across the street and pronounce "let's break into that apartment on the first floor." Doodle concurs, while the rest laugh and not take us seriously. We cross the street and I throw an AmEx at doodle. After a few minutes of maniacal laughter and fumbling, the five of us pile into the building. Doodle returns my AmEx, grabs a hair-pin and starts on the apartment door. Still nobody is taking us seriously. We chainsmoke in the hallway to the point of doodle working in a cloud of smoke. 10 minutes later we are still no closer to breaking into the apartment, so I start pounding on the door. The door opens up and professor steps out into the hallway. She throws us out of the building, we all have a smoke, she gives everyone a tired hug and tells us to fuck ourselves, then goes back to bed.

10 minutes later we find ourselves pounding on the door of another building. This time, however, it's the nerd's friend's place that she's crashing at. The place is messy to the point of me moving half empty glasses of the couch to sit down. The nerd starts throwing her D-cup bras around, so I decide that it's probably about time for me to make an Irish exit. I succeed.

Act 4, Scene 1: The coked-out cat

I get to fu at 2 and catch a basketball game. Caesar rolls in and we get creative with our next 5 shots. Zoran rolls in and we play some pool, then I spot two familiar pool sharks - Jamie1 and Jamie2 - and we proceed to play some doubles. Everyone is shitfaced, and Zoran asks if Jamie1 and Jamie2 are marrying each other any time soon. They get angry and Zoran leaves.

It's 7pm and I make plans with Mami, but realize that I'm too tired, so I cancel them and go home at 8.

I make it about 10 feet before doodle announces his arrival at GC, so I pound a few red bulls, reinstate the plans, and we cab it downtown to Mami's place. We bypass security and pile into her apartment. Mami finishes half a bottle of wine trying to make dinner out of celery and grapes, as I get sexually harassed by an ugly cat who likes to play fetch and throw himself 6 feet in the air. After dinner we explore the building a little, then decide to go to Trader, since the Pirate works there and loves to hand out numerous complimentary shots.

In the cab mami's behavior becomes erratic, so we proceed to convince the cabbie that mami is coked out of her head, that her tic-tacs are actually hardened cocaine, and that she has can give the cabbie a discount. I suspect that cat was forced fed quite a bunch of tic-tacs.

Obviously, we never make it to Trader and find ourselves at fu. At fu I proceed to convince another few very high individuals that mami is a coke-head.

We pound some shits, some shots, play some pool with random individuals.

Act 4, Scene 2: Last Stop, again

1:30am rolls around and I'm trying to figure out where I know this South African dude from. Mami overhears my musings and decides to help me out. She proceeds to sit next to a totally different individual, which I do in fact know, and interrogate him.

2am rolls around and professor calls. We grab mami and cab it back to the last stop. As is the tradition, we persuade the cabbie that mami is on coke. At the last stop we are greeted by professor, the german, and the albanian. As the girls walk inside, doodle and I start feeling bad about the break-in the other night, and we entertain the idea of buying a "we are sorry" card, breaking back into professor's apartment and placing it on her nightstand. Then we realize we would need to apologize for our second break-in. The recursion becomes too much, so we just pound some brown shits. Mami decides to buy us 3 shots, and gets 12 instead. Doodle and I send them all to the girls.

3:30am rolls in and the german is barely standing on her feet, so professor half-carries her home. Mami is in the middle of a verbal fight with some algerians, and doodle and I keep pounding. We get kicked out and I drag mami away from algerians, as the argument intensifies. Mami is shitfaced. There is some dancing in the middle of the road, some shit getting throw out of her bag, some falling over, a brief mention of the farmers. We grab a cab, and the two of them decide to drop me off at my place first. As I exit the cab, for some reason I get followed, my building gets broken into, someone is pounding on doors and ringing the bell of every apartment on my floor. I ignore this.

by: Tull

to make the story short:

i get to fu early, bunch of random people join us, me and professor pound budlights, nabi gets shitfaced on gin/tonics, guy almost breaks his hand clapping and slamming it against the bar, i destroy my phone, giants win, we decide to head to rebel, nabi drives me and professor, does a fantastic job parallel parking at 45 degree angle to the curb, we get more shitfaced, ill get to the shitshow at rebel in a bit, nabi drives us to trader, i dont remember what happened but apparently we were pounding shots, professor and i share a cab, make out, cabbie gets lost in queens and blames it on us "being too busy" to give him directions
so now rebel:

basically we settle in, its professor, me, this kid that works around fu, guy and his friends

enter denny

basically he is so shitfaced hes kind of like leaning against the bar shaking all over and trying to signal for shots, his tongue is hanging out and hes panting and making these licking expressions towards professor from like 20 feet away, then he walks over and tries to grab her and bite her, this goes on for a good 20 minutes. finally a whole bunch of giants fan from the table behind us walk over to me and go - hey, that creep is bothering your girl, we feel kind of bad, let us buy you a few drinks

so basically i was drinking for free for the rest of the night

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