Like A Douche In The Night, Part 2

As told by Sethro Tull, a comedy in three acts.

Characters:

Doodle - 7 feet tall HFA with affinity for anything compact and Asian

Mami - a psychotic Colombian that has 50 farmers

Hatchet - a 5 feet tall Dominican with a.. hatchet on her nightstand

Nuclear Scientist - a bleached blonde barmaid/waitress whose level of intellect rivals that of a doorstop.. on her best days

Sethro - a fucking evil psychopath and an HFA

Act 1: The Hatchet

I get out of work at 4:30 and pound a few vodka cranberries at snafu to kill the headache, then walk a few blocks to meet up with the hatchet. We jump into a cab and head down to a fancy wine bar in meatpacking. The hatchet proceeds to be a snob and taste and turn down 2 bottles of wine before settling on something. We sip our wines and make idle talk. Some of the stories that the hatchet shared were:

1) I have 12 cousins, 14 aunts/uncles, so there are 31 people in total (the math skills of this very smart individual with engineering and math background are astounding)

2) I entered a horse competion in DR once, ran the horse to hot, then we had to cross the river, and the horse tripped. I really wanted to win, so i kicked the horse in the head, repeatedly, until it died. I was upset i lost.

3) Oh and by the way I have herpes in my right eye. Don't worry it's no longer contagious.

4) I loved this boy for 8 years, but never told him. he always slept in my bed, while i was doing his homework for him. (this is the third time im seeing the hatchet, and the 4th time im hearing the story)

After finishing our wines we had to some shady bar further down, where she spends about 15 minutes talking in spanish to a barback. At least my first beer was free. Turns out the hatchet used to waitress here and racked in $5000 a night in tips... doing what again? At this point she decides to show me her entire photo album on facebook and explain each photo in great detail.. all 258 of them.

I cry inside.

Act 2: The Nuclear Scientist

We cab it up to Rebel and pound some coronas with random drunken individuals. Enter the nuclear scientist, and the conversation begins:

NS: you are late! i bought a chocolate, but i ate it all

Me: aw, that is so sweet of you

NS: lets do some shots!

Me: fire away

NS: im so drunk right now. you need to help me find a job when i get fired because im so drunk.

We pound some shots. Then I get back to making out with the hatchet.

2 texts come in at the same time, doodle and mami: "priests and patron at fu". my response is "wtf? get your asses to rebel and tell me all about it"

We pound some more beers and shots, and make out some more.

Doodle and mami arrive and yell at the top of the lungs "WHERE IS THE HATCHET?" while the hatchet stands a foot away with a very confused look on her face. introductions are made, we head in, and pound some more shots.

Enter the nuclear scientist again, wailing: "how could you?! we were supposed to go to the movies together?! i spent a month building up my courage to talk to you!" then she walks away, makes out with half a dozen of random people at the bar, then suggests doodle heads home with her.

All at the same time on my other side the hatchet is paraphrasing the songs to Aerosmith's I dont want to miss a thing: come home with me, i dont want sex, i just want to sleep with you, i want you to hold me, and be close to me.. Finally, i give up and tell her to get the fuck out. she tells me she never wants to see me again, and leaves. Fast forward 5 minutes, and somebody hubs me from behind. The hatchet is back.. "no cabbie would take me. come to the train station with me", then proceeds with Aerosmith again.

I go for a smoke with nuclear scientist. Tears in her eyes, she repeats her earlier nonsense about waiting a month to talk to me, and how she's not going to the zoo with me (note that previously she said movies, while in fact the original plan devised when she was sober was the Pompei exhibition)

We stumble out and convince the hatchet to get the fuck out. she repeats her threat about never wanting to see me again.

Act 3: Two russian guys and a spanish girl walk into a bar..

We cab to snafu, because at 1am that's the most obvious thing to do.

We pound beers, and play pool. I try to convince mami to tell us the story about 50 farmers, which inevitably always leads to shit being throw out of mami's bag and/or uncontrollable crying.

Then we head out and get our chickens over rice. i smoke, mami sits on something that looks like a broken urinal, and doodle gets harassed by a homeless individual. Then we split, i head home, and pound a few beers while shoving delicious rice and chiken down my throat.