(The following takes place over a couple of drinks of Tanqueray and grapefruit juices at 2:32 pm on the last Friday of 2011. Jim is bartending.)
HFA1 (to HFA2): Why, you look preposterously fine today, sir. That woolen coat befits you quite well. I have only now realized the fallacy of my actions. You see Anya is working here tonight and since she is Tanya's roommate, having the Colombian join us and kiss me passionately at this upscale drinking establishment might diminish the chances of me having sexual intercourse with Tanya. I do, however, have a strategic plan that quite possibly will alleviate this problem. Enter you, sir - my friend. Fresh out of a two year relationship that you thought would lead to marriage, children, a dog, and a house with a white-picketed fence, but instead led to a harrowing break-up, you have come to New York to collect your thoughts and recover emotionally. On the outside you may seem like a perfectly normal individual - fun, smiling, sociable and alert. On the inside you an emotional wreck, depressed, sleep-deprived, with no appetite for food and a proclivity to cut yourself occasionally. Colombian, while I most certainly adore you and would, at one point, want to tie the knot, tonight I ask that we act simply as friends. Kissing me or grabbing my genitalia would most definitely send my friend over the edge, and I do not want to find him in the restroom, slouched in a stall, in a pool of blood and steak knife deep in his face. I have come up with a list of items that you may, at your discretion, exercise: giving me a hug that lasts less than three seconds, giving me a peck on the cheek, briefly rubbing my shoulder blades in a gesture of friendly affection and comfort (I will provide a stool for you to hop on in case you cannot reach), bowing to me, shining my shoes, and lighting my cigarettes. On behalf of my friend and myself, I thank you for understanding and support. Yours truly, HFA1.
HFA2 (to Jim): Two shots of Johnnie Black, please.
Jim (placing the shots gingerly): On the house.
HFA1 (to HFA2): Why, you look preposterously fine today, sir. That woolen coat befits you quite well. I have only now realized the fallacy of my actions. You see Anya is working here tonight and since she is Tanya's roommate, having the Colombian join us and kiss me passionately at this upscale drinking establishment might diminish the chances of me having sexual intercourse with Tanya. I do, however, have a strategic plan that quite possibly will alleviate this problem. Enter you, sir - my friend. Fresh out of a two year relationship that you thought would lead to marriage, children, a dog, and a house with a white-picketed fence, but instead led to a harrowing break-up, you have come to New York to collect your thoughts and recover emotionally. On the outside you may seem like a perfectly normal individual - fun, smiling, sociable and alert. On the inside you an emotional wreck, depressed, sleep-deprived, with no appetite for food and a proclivity to cut yourself occasionally. Colombian, while I most certainly adore you and would, at one point, want to tie the knot, tonight I ask that we act simply as friends. Kissing me or grabbing my genitalia would most definitely send my friend over the edge, and I do not want to find him in the restroom, slouched in a stall, in a pool of blood and steak knife deep in his face. I have come up with a list of items that you may, at your discretion, exercise: giving me a hug that lasts less than three seconds, giving me a peck on the cheek, briefly rubbing my shoulder blades in a gesture of friendly affection and comfort (I will provide a stool for you to hop on in case you cannot reach), bowing to me, shining my shoes, and lighting my cigarettes. On behalf of my friend and myself, I thank you for understanding and support. Yours truly, HFA1.
HFA2 (to Jim): Two shots of Johnnie Black, please.
Jim (placing the shots gingerly): On the house.
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