Alice Goes Camping

As told by the Russian-

I know you said you've gone camping but I think that actually meant you were once on a back yard patio deck. Here's how I imagine it would go down: first things first - you burn to a crisp, your color is so bright that aliens finally take note of our planet and pulverize the White House then proceed to mistake me for Fox Mulder, mixing genres where genres aren't to be mixed; once under the cover of foliage you encounter a knotty slope on which you trip and fly headfirst into the only big rock in the forest; at this point your single collarbone has become three from the half gallon of water in your backpack; resting for a moment, a squirrel comes up and greets you, the squirrel is friendly and you feed it some crumbs and the squirrel lets you pet it before scampering off to leave you with the realization that you are deathly allergic to squirrels and now need a tracheotomy; as night falls you breathe a sigh of relief as it seems your troubles have come to an end, but are immediately covered by every mosquito in a kilometer radius; the campfire keeps the mosquitoes away but you cannot approach it as it is already giving you your second sunburn from outside the wall of your tent; in the morning you realize nobody brought coffee so you give a young deer such a look of disdain that it bursts into flames. The one photo from the excursion is a 3/4 selfie with half a face covered by hair and three Instagram filters and a hashtag. #latergram