Open scene: I'm (played by Duchovny, who else...I guess Hopkins could work) sitting on a bar stool, you see me from behind, hunched. The lighting is perfect. Profile close-up, Clint Eastwood as Clint Eastwood comes into focus as he leans forward from behind my head and asks a gruff, manly, but friendly icebreaker question. I begin turning my head...BAM an unidentifiable man in a cowboy hat with really curly edges stumbles into him knocking the renowned actor and expert bar conversationalist off his stool, killing him instantly. Nobody notices. "Hey blargh you will be SORELY missed walk me home there's cops." Pan wide shot from behind the bar, I turn my head to the man at my other side, still nonplussed. "The CATS are BROOOWN!!" Shrieks the derelict bastard at no one in particular, shaking with Parkinson's, spilling part of the well bourbon he pours into his other well bourbon.
Cut to the X-Files-style intro featuring stills of me drinking different booze in different bars with different lighting and snippets of drink specials from shitty chalkboards translucently floating across the screen as you see me flashing my license to a bouncer then extracting a credit card, then slamming said card on the CT bar as Misha simultaneously slams a dirty dusty on bar...duh duh duh BAM! THE BOOZE IS OUT THERE!
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